Jesus Wept

Wednesday, June 15th


The emotions are high. Feeling as if I am coming out of my skin. I have been here before. This all to familiar place of anxiety and lack of control; feeling overwhelmed and uneasy. I need help! I want to call every person I know to help, but then pull back and remind myself I need to go to my Father in heaven first. Then I sit quietly trying to talk… and the air is silent. I hear Him tell me to breath; sit on His lap, put my head on His chest and just breath. So I do. I it so hard to just sit and listen to the heartbeat of God. I want to run and conquer and take over territory, so my mom will live. But my Father holds me tight, to keep me still. It reminds me of what I used to do with Elijah. He was so active that in order to get him to bed at night, we would have to use brut force to hold him close to us, to keep him still long enough, so he would fall asleep. I am picturing that with me and my Father.

Yet even in the quietest places of my space, I feel as if my soul (emotions) are in control. I want my spirit always to be in control, yet there is a constant battle that rages between my soul, flesh and body… My emotions are usually the last part of me that has control… My spirit and flesh war more than my soul… My soul usually takes a back seat and watches the other two parts of me battle it out. That is because I trained it to do so. I go into full bore William Wallace mode when I am hurting and it keeps the emotions down.

Recently, however, that side of me is fighting for control as well… I went outside when some things were said about my mom’s healing and started to cry. Then I got angry, then I wanted to go off… I felt overwhelmed again!

An in a very loving voice, I heard the Lord say, “Jesus wept.” “I know Jesus wept!” was my response. And then the Lord said it again. I was trying to figure out what that had to do with me… and the Lord reminded me that Jesus, His son, had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he still wept. Jesus knew he was going to raise him from the dead, yet he still wept. In the most powerful man on earth, was a soul. A soul that became overwhelmed with emotion of the thought of his friend being dead, and so wept. I felt amazed at this insight. He wept, not because Lazarus was dead! He wept, because he had deep emotions about his friend’s death… even in knowing he was going to raise him from the dead!!! WOW!!!

I am now, trying to embrace this emotional overload of reality that keeps hitting me in the face! So Lord, help me feel, not to the point of a total meltdown, but to the point that is heathly and helpful and real… Amen