Depth of Emotions...

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Stayed up late talking to my brother Eric and sister Cari… The depth of emotions is great. My mom sat all 4 of us kids down in her room with my step-dad and began to talk to us about things she did and did not want us to do. I was irritated, mad, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed… Micah, the youngest said, as we walked in, “I feel like a kid, like we are about to get in trouble.” We all chuckled. My heart was aching mostly for Micah. He has always felt like the odd man out. My mom made comments like, I am mostly talking to you (referring to Eric, Cari and I). Sigh… divorce is soooo hard…No matter how hard you try, it seems like someone is left out. She told kept talking about unity… We prayed together, my step dad started and then it was silent. I was about to pray, but before I could get myself together emotionally, my mom prayed. I felt like, oh crap… she thinks no one want to pray for her… anxiety… guilt… breath Teresa, breath…

My mom’s house was filled with people… mostly family. There were a few friends there… One of my mom’s friends is so negative… I wanted to tell her to get the f#*% out of my mom’s house… not the most Christ like and loving thing… It is as if she has some spell on my mom and was sucking the life out of her. The rage rose up in me and I had to walk outside… letting go God… letting go. I do not how…breathing, praying, and breathing. My cousin Christie came out and talked to me, prayed with me…

Went to church today…surrounded by people who speak life. Came home and talked to my Tia Karen. She told me my mom was going to die in 2 weeks… What the Snapple!!! If one more person gives me a time frame of my mom’s death I am going to punch them. Only God knows…like I said before, I am being sure of what I hope for, until she dies (whether that be 2 weeks or 40 years from now0.

Today, I am not sad… I am angry… I want to fight, but have to surrender to God… urgh!