Death is all around me... I have never experienced it so much. The sorrow is unreal. The questions real and true. I have been around life most of my life. Seen people die mostly because of old age. Long lives of health and happiness lived and family around to celebrate that blessing. Recently however, I have seen lives cut short, to early to go home with the Lord. I have been exposed to disease and sickness the is from the pit of hell. It has become overwhelming to me. I am not sure what to make of it.
So here is my request, my desire to my Lord:
Father, the desire of my heart is to live. Not to breath in the air on this earth, but to live!!! To walk in abundant living with my family, to be a blessing to everyone around me. My desire, more than anything is to have white hair and wrinkles, to hold my great-grandchildren and be active and fit enough to play with them on the floor. I desire to grow old with my husband, to touch people's lives who need to feel your presence. My desire is to make a difference in my family line. To stop generational curses from continuing down my family. That is my desire, Lord, to leave a legacy of family and love and truth and health. May sickness and disease not touch my family, I curse it and command it to die, in the name of Jesus. May enviromental garbage not have a hold on my family, I ask for protection for myf family in the name of Jesus. You say we have not because we ask not... and so Lord, I am asking. This is my desire. This is my request. May the spirit of fear not touch my family and may love always abound. Lord, remove this shroud that covers us... it is not your way, it is not how we desire to live. Help us to make every day the best day, no matter the circumstances. Please give us favor and bless us in all we do. Please keep my kids safe and on the straight and narrow. In Jesus name, Amen!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Abyss
And then it hit me... in the quiet of my home, I felt alone.
So alone. Not the kind of alone when no one is around you.
Not the kind of alone when you are all by yourself.
The kind of alone where you can be in the middle of a crowd and feel isolated.
The kind of alone where you can be in church with friends surrounding you and feel distant.
The kind of alone where you feel as if God has forgotten you.
When you get here, people tell you, you are not alone, I am here for you. They tell you scriptures and quote songs about God never leaving or forsaking you. When you get here it is desolate and quiet. It is black and white with no color. The sounds are white noises that blend into the atmosphere. It smells like death with a stale stench that lingers.
I am not this person. I am the happy, outgoing hospitality person. The one who always sees the bright side; the one who will gladly carry others burdens; the one who hopes and believes with everything in me. I am the one who listens and prays and fasts. I am the one who surrounds those who feel alone.
But today I felt it. The cold shoulder of lonliness. I wrote a poem when I was 19 years old that said, "Lonliness eats at me like acid from the tongues of hate." I was there once before. I remember. It was like this, only not as deep. I can not even tell you how or where it came from or how I got there. All I know is that I want out. I want out of the lonliness.
It is not to say that I do not have family or friends who love me and cherish me. They do and I am blessed. They walk besides me in great love to ensure I do not fall off the cliff. They hold my hand and sometimes carry me, when I am too weak to carry myself. I hate that they do that. Not because I do not value thier love, but because I can not do it myself. How does one become so weak? How did I become so broken and alone that I can not even carry myself? I am not that person. Or am I?
I desire more. I worship in obedience, hoping to be filled. I pray in obedience, hoping to be answered. I pray in the spirit, hoping to be heard. Where are you Lord? Where have you gone? I can not even sense your presence. I can not even hear your voice. I do not see, like I once did and I feel lost.
My mom asked me how my kids feel about her; are they okay, scared, worried? I told her that the older 2 boys pray for healing but are fully aware of what may happen if the Lord does not heal her. But Carah just believes. She believes God will heal her. There is no alternative, there is no other way. She does not grasp God not healing her. Why wouldn't he? She is fully experiencing the presence of God. She is physically understanding answered prayer in little things, like going to Disneyland. She prayed for months that God would let her go to Disneyland... and BAM... as I write this now, she is in Disneyland, all expenses paid with my good freind Charleen. So if God can do that, why not heal Nana? Her faith is strong and unrelenting and mine is dwindling. Her trust in her Jesus is sure and mine is waivering.
How did I get here? Let me stop and think......
I see a picture of me, standing on the shore of the ocean. The waves begin to come and hit me on my legs, over and over. Then they get bigger and hit me on my waist, over and over. Then they get bigger and start to hit me on my chest, over and over. I am trying to keep my footing, but the sand beneath me is moving and the power of the waves is forcing me to be off balance. Then the waves grow bigger and begin to hit my face. I am trying to stand and gasp for air and eventually the tide takes me. Into the dark deep sea. It is quiet and dark.
The waves of life.
So I am here in the quiet, alone.
I remember praying with someone once. I had a vision of being in the abyss of the ocean. Perhaps that vision was for today and not then. It was around that movie Abyss. The theme of the movie was to get to the deepest, darkest place of the ocean floor and see what was there. They had invented some sort of liquid oxegyn that they would breath in. They would put on their suits and this liquid oxegyn would begin to fill up their helmets. They would gasp and try to take the helmet off, because it felt as if they were drowing. They were, essentially, only the very thing that was drowing them, was going to give them air and fill their chest cavity up so it would not collapse under the pressure of the water.
Upon seeing this vision, initially, I remember hearing the Lord say that he was going to drown me. That I was going to feel the same way, like I was dying. But it was only so that I could go deeper. Perhaps that is were I am now. Being filled up with something new, that feels like death, but really is bringing about life. I am there... gasping, trying to take the helmet off, because I feel like I am going to die. But the Lord wont let me. Perhaps that is why He feels so far... because I am thinking... how could you just stand there and watch me die in this Lord, and worse, how could you hold my hands back to keep me from trying to save myself.
I hope that is the case. I wish I could say, I believe this is the case... but I can't. I can only hope at this point... and there is not a whole lot of hope left inside of me. If it is the case... help me to stop fighting, and just breath in the very things that make me feel like I am going to die... If you promise me Lord that I get to go deeper with you... If you promise me Lord that it is for a greater purpose and that it is not in vain.
So I sit... in the quiet, typing... alone....
hoping to go deeper.
So alone. Not the kind of alone when no one is around you.
Not the kind of alone when you are all by yourself.
The kind of alone where you can be in the middle of a crowd and feel isolated.
The kind of alone where you can be in church with friends surrounding you and feel distant.
The kind of alone where you feel as if God has forgotten you.
When you get here, people tell you, you are not alone, I am here for you. They tell you scriptures and quote songs about God never leaving or forsaking you. When you get here it is desolate and quiet. It is black and white with no color. The sounds are white noises that blend into the atmosphere. It smells like death with a stale stench that lingers.
I am not this person. I am the happy, outgoing hospitality person. The one who always sees the bright side; the one who will gladly carry others burdens; the one who hopes and believes with everything in me. I am the one who listens and prays and fasts. I am the one who surrounds those who feel alone.
But today I felt it. The cold shoulder of lonliness. I wrote a poem when I was 19 years old that said, "Lonliness eats at me like acid from the tongues of hate." I was there once before. I remember. It was like this, only not as deep. I can not even tell you how or where it came from or how I got there. All I know is that I want out. I want out of the lonliness.
It is not to say that I do not have family or friends who love me and cherish me. They do and I am blessed. They walk besides me in great love to ensure I do not fall off the cliff. They hold my hand and sometimes carry me, when I am too weak to carry myself. I hate that they do that. Not because I do not value thier love, but because I can not do it myself. How does one become so weak? How did I become so broken and alone that I can not even carry myself? I am not that person. Or am I?
I desire more. I worship in obedience, hoping to be filled. I pray in obedience, hoping to be answered. I pray in the spirit, hoping to be heard. Where are you Lord? Where have you gone? I can not even sense your presence. I can not even hear your voice. I do not see, like I once did and I feel lost.
My mom asked me how my kids feel about her; are they okay, scared, worried? I told her that the older 2 boys pray for healing but are fully aware of what may happen if the Lord does not heal her. But Carah just believes. She believes God will heal her. There is no alternative, there is no other way. She does not grasp God not healing her. Why wouldn't he? She is fully experiencing the presence of God. She is physically understanding answered prayer in little things, like going to Disneyland. She prayed for months that God would let her go to Disneyland... and BAM... as I write this now, she is in Disneyland, all expenses paid with my good freind Charleen. So if God can do that, why not heal Nana? Her faith is strong and unrelenting and mine is dwindling. Her trust in her Jesus is sure and mine is waivering.
How did I get here? Let me stop and think......
I see a picture of me, standing on the shore of the ocean. The waves begin to come and hit me on my legs, over and over. Then they get bigger and hit me on my waist, over and over. Then they get bigger and start to hit me on my chest, over and over. I am trying to keep my footing, but the sand beneath me is moving and the power of the waves is forcing me to be off balance. Then the waves grow bigger and begin to hit my face. I am trying to stand and gasp for air and eventually the tide takes me. Into the dark deep sea. It is quiet and dark.
The waves of life.
So I am here in the quiet, alone.
I remember praying with someone once. I had a vision of being in the abyss of the ocean. Perhaps that vision was for today and not then. It was around that movie Abyss. The theme of the movie was to get to the deepest, darkest place of the ocean floor and see what was there. They had invented some sort of liquid oxegyn that they would breath in. They would put on their suits and this liquid oxegyn would begin to fill up their helmets. They would gasp and try to take the helmet off, because it felt as if they were drowing. They were, essentially, only the very thing that was drowing them, was going to give them air and fill their chest cavity up so it would not collapse under the pressure of the water.
Upon seeing this vision, initially, I remember hearing the Lord say that he was going to drown me. That I was going to feel the same way, like I was dying. But it was only so that I could go deeper. Perhaps that is were I am now. Being filled up with something new, that feels like death, but really is bringing about life. I am there... gasping, trying to take the helmet off, because I feel like I am going to die. But the Lord wont let me. Perhaps that is why He feels so far... because I am thinking... how could you just stand there and watch me die in this Lord, and worse, how could you hold my hands back to keep me from trying to save myself.
I hope that is the case. I wish I could say, I believe this is the case... but I can't. I can only hope at this point... and there is not a whole lot of hope left inside of me. If it is the case... help me to stop fighting, and just breath in the very things that make me feel like I am going to die... If you promise me Lord that I get to go deeper with you... If you promise me Lord that it is for a greater purpose and that it is not in vain.
So I sit... in the quiet, typing... alone....
hoping to go deeper.
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