I wonder...

I wonder...

What Joseph went through as he sat in a jail cell completely forgotten. I wonder if he ever lost hope or suffered from depression or felt completely and totally alone. I wonder if, even in his provision and favor felt as if he was a crazy person. I wonder if he dreamt about the day when he was released and what he would do or say. I wonder how many times he questioned God. How many times had conversations with God about the unfair predicament of his situation?

I wonder…

So many times when we think about people in the Bible we picture super-human beings who were able to smile and wave through all their struggles while singing praises and thanking God for all their circumstances. They were human like us. They probably cussed a few times, doubted, worried, feared, questioned and even sinned. The people we read about in the Bible struggled with their callings, their families, and their flesh. Yet God still used them.

I see that happen a lot in the Christian culture. This façade of “perfect” that one thinks must be portrayed to be a true “Christian.” I often think of how sad a life that must be; to pretend to be someone you’re not to try to reflect Jesus, who died to purify us. There is no perfect on this earth. There is only imperfect. That is why Jesus is coming back to get us, that is why God is destroying this current earth and creating a new heaven and a new earth.

I wonder…

Why this life I live is hard. Why, no matter how many jobs we apply for, none come our way. I told my husband today, maybe you should apply for jobs you are not qualified for, instead of the jobs you are qualified for and see if you get a job that way. Cuz you are sure not getting a job applying for jobs you are qualified for. Five years we have been doing this… FIVE!!! My nerves are fraying. My hope is holding on. I am undone. I mean completely unraveling. I have no control of my life and it is causing me to break.

I wonder…

How much more of me can break? I am already broken, already undone, already shaken. I have to keep reminding myself that a broken life with Jesus is better than a whole life without Him. My body is revolting and I feel out of alignment. I don’t know where to go, what to do, how to get there. Everywhere we turn doors close. Even in areas where we hear the Lord say go, SLAM! The door closes with a force that pushes me back.

I wonder…

Is it just me or are other people feeling agitated at the current state of our church and state and country. I see an expression of Jesus that I think is manufactured and it irritates me. I see people being turned away from the truth because they are not holy enough or righteous enough or clean enough. I see churches blame groups of people for the reason there is violence or injustice. I want to change it, but feel paralyzed on how to.

I wonder…

If this weight will ever come off of my body. Will I really be able to be successful if I got picked to go to Biggest Loser? What about my kids? Could I really leave them for 6 months at the most important time of their lives? Elijah’s last year in high school, Noah’s first year in high school and Carah a Jr. Higher. Would I be able to withstand the loneliness of not being around my most important support system? Would I break some more? Would I be able to handle the fact that I am doing something for myself and not for my family?

I wonder…

Why people feel threatened by our hearts desire to want to help the youth. I wonder why people in the Christian community find it necessary to invalidate who we are with rumors and lies and stir up trouble amongst our Christian family. Do we really scare you? Are we really intimidating? What is it about us that scare you from my raw authentic approach to life? Or is it that you are scared someone will require you to be the same and you don’t want to take the mask off. Is it really necessary to us abusive tactics to get people in the church to follow you? How about just show the love of Jesus? How about that!!! Maybe then the church would grow!! And youth would be knocking down your door!!!

I wonder…

How much more of this the Lord will require of us to take. I hope it is not too much longer. I hope!!! I have a lot of things I want to do and see and experience with my kids… they are almost grown and gone... Please Lord, hear our prayer; hear our cries; hear our thoughts. We need some breakthrough. Will it come soon?

I wonder…

Intensity

Intense

in•ten•si•ty (ɪnˈtɛn sɪ ti)

n., pl. -ties.

1. the quality or condition of being intense.

2. great energy, strength, concentration, or vehemence, as of activity.

3. a high or extreme degree, as of cold or heat.

4. the degree or extent to which something is intense.

5. a high degree of emotional excitement; depth of feeling.

6. the strength or sharpness of a color due esp. to its degree of freedom from admixture with its complementary color.

7. Physics. magnitude, as of energy or a force per unit of area, volume, time, etc.

A word used to describe me. A word I use to describe myself.

I see it at a compliment, but have discovered that in most cases, it is not.

I had to seriously pray about this continual attack of my character… I became angry and frustrated at the notion that, number 1, people think that they have a right to condemn the way God created me and number 2, people consider intensity as “intimidating, aggressive and what was the other word used… non-submissive.” So you can imagine, as an intense, raw, bold person I had a very long conversation with the Lord and some of my closest sisters in Christ.

This morning, after a long night of no sleep, I began to pray again and the most amazing thing happened… clarity and peace shed light on the subject.

When you are a survivor of divorce, an attempted kidnapping, sexual abuse, attempted rape, verbal abuse, physical abuse, demonic attack, church abuse and minister to people who have experienced ritualistic abuse, sex slavery, satanic abuse, spousal abuse, adultery, extreme bullying, and the aftermath of abortion… you kinda become intense…

The people, who abused me, did so by hiding, sneaking, intimidating and threatening… so when people hide behind religion and churchianity and control...intensity naturally rises up inside me. This kind of behavior gives me all kinds of red flags. I do not want to be associated with the kind of people who hide behind religion to abuse people. People who hide their true identities are cowards and I want no part of that kind of life! My intensity comes from persistently pursuing a life of blamelessness, so that I will not be likened to the condemning “Churchianity Christians.”

I am intense…but it is only an attribute of who I am. It is not WHO I am. When I feel like the church, who is supposed to give life and freedom through Christ, brings condemnation and control to the masses, I get a little intense.

Jesus was intense. I know a lot of people don’t see that Jesus. I know that Jesus is not taught in the church; it was His intensity that angered the Pharisees. It was His intensity that raised Lazarus from the dead. It was His intensity that caused blood to seep through his pores in the garden of Gethsemane. It was His intensity that made a whip, flipped tables and pushed people out of the temple. Jesus was intense. His intensity was viewed as dangerous and aggressive to those who could not control him. His intensity was considered blasphemous to the religious leaders and they were threatened by His passion to change the world.

Bill and I have been charged with similar “crimes.” We have been accused of being intimidating and “taking over” and not doing what “pastors” say. When in reality, we are passionately obeying God in areas that are unconventional or outside the comfort zone of the complacency of the church. We have been accused of “hurting people’s feelings” because we spoke the truth about the church. When in fact, we did not hurt feelings, the TRUTH hurt feelings. People do not want to be challenged in their faith. Even with monumental evidence that the Christian church is slowly dying in this country, Christians do not want to be held accountable for their complacent faith.

I “intensely” advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves or are afraid to advocate for themselves… Martin Luther was intense. Rosa Parks was intense. Martin Luther King Jr. was intense. Caesar Chavez was intense. Mother Teresa was intense. Their intensity changed the face of this planet. They all suffered as a result of their intense conviction of truth in the face of religious and political persecution. They advocated for people, stood in the face of slander, and ultimately suffered for their boldness.

My sister in Christ shared, “Jesus said, ‘we are to share in his sufferings.’ So you have to know, Teresa that you are going to suffer. But in the end, if you do the will of your father, you will be blessed.”

 Jesus was not only intense, he was also kind, compassionate, loving, convicting, forgiving, life giving, truthful, inclusive, world changing.

I am not just intense. I am so much more…

But if you only see me as intense, aggressive, intimidating, and loud…

Chances are you are threatened by the TRUTH that I express through living a transparent life.

Chances are you are fearful of my raw and authentic approach to life, that lets people into the deepest places of my heart, because you hide the deepest places of yours for fear that people might see who you really are and not like it.

Chances are you afraid of the world changer DNA that is inside of me, because it means that what you are comfortable in will be challenged or changed.

Here’s the deal… There really is no middle ground. You either love me or hate me. I am okay with that. That is how God made me. That is who I am. There is a reason why prophets of old were killed. Once they delivered the message of God that was not pleasant, they wanted someone to suffer for making them feel uncomfortable, or for hurting their feelings; usually it was the messenger. You know… “Don’t kill the messenger” or “I am just the messenger” comes from the prophets who delivered unpleasant messages to people and then suffered as a result of the message.

You may not like what I have to say; you may not like my unconventional ways; you may not like the delivery; you may not like my intensity; you may not like my honest, brutal, authentic approach to life. But here’s the deal… before you slander me, gossip about me, make assumptions about me and reprimand me about who I am in Christ… YOU HAD BETTER HAVE SOME HARD CORE BIBLICAL TRUTHS TO BACK YOUR ACCUSATIONS! I really don’t care about your religious opinions… I only care about pleasing and serving my Jesus… NO MATTER THE COST! And believe me... the cost is great! Just read my blog.

This in no way means that I am perfect or without fault. It just means that my imperfections and faults will be publicly expressed in verbal or written form, to share with the world that we have an opportunity to live blameless lives through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I try to share my faults, shortcomings, fears, failures, joys, accomplishments and love with the masses through writing in a very raw way to encourage others to do the same. My hope is that the more people who have nothing to hide, the more healing can take place. The more healing that takes place, the more whole people become. The more whole people become, the more effective they are. The more effective people are, the more a community benefits. The more a community benefits, the more people will feel loved. And the more people feel loved, the better the world becomes…and the safer people feel about being real.

If I offend you… perhaps the Lord is trying to challenge your identity. Perhaps the Lord wants you to determine why you are being offended by someone who delights in being raw, authentic, intense and passionate…

I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed of who God created me to be. I am comfortable in my own skin and thankful that God has delivered me from the bondage of trying to be something I am not to please others… I exist to please God! Not YOU! This statement only makes religious people feel uncomfortable… not broken, hurting, real, authentic people.

I had a conversation with myself about people’s opinion of me… turns out I am okay with who I am in Christ.