Healing Rain

The clouds loom low today. Hovering over the ground in a dark embrace. I am in the midst of those clouds. I can smell them, see them, feel them all around me. It feels heavy and my steps are slow and weighted.

She is gone, my mother. Her body left here on this broken world, her soul and spirit embraced by the Savior of this world. I can no longer hear her voice or touch her face. I no longer have the hope of relationship I longed for.

There are so many questions sunanswered, so many words unspoken. There is suspense still hanging in the air, still wonder as to why. I feel like I just got into a good book and the best part of the book was ripped out, so I never know how the story ends. And so the weight of the clouds looms in uncertainty.

My mother was the joint in many of the relationships I had. Two seperate bones, with different purposes and functions, yet somehow she was able to join them together. I wonder what kind of pain will saturate the bones around my moms life... what kind of friction will occur without her seperating joint. I makes my heart hurt. I can not even put into words all the things that are consuming my mind. It is too much, too hard, too confusing, too painful.

I wonder what I am grieving more... the loss of my mom, as I know I wll see her again; or the loss of the hope I had? What am I grieving more... the loss of her flesh or the loss of memories that were not made and will not be made with me and my kids; Is it the reality that my step siblings will get the best of my dad and me, my sister and brother will once again be put off? Am I grieving because I feel like an orphan? No mother, my father has not spoken to me in 4 years and my step dad, although I know he loves me, has 3 biological children who beckon him to come without including Cari, Eric and I...

I am twisted and turned upside down... It seems I should be able to get back to life as normal... but it is not happening... I did not really talk to my mom the last year before she got sick, I always had the hope that our relationship would be restored and we would be close... that hope is gone. So many questions, so many holes....

I feel the clouds press down upon me... It is dark and gloomy and I am trying to break free. I am trying to establish a new legacy, a new way, a new family tradition... There is hope in that, but there will always be holes left in the place where my mom was supposed to be....

Perhaps the clouds will bring rain, to wash me clean from this grief and hurt. Perhaps the rain will wash away the stains of abandonment and anger and leave me clean and new. Perhaps the rain will leave the scent of new growth and new life.

I am hoping that is what the clouds bring...I am hoping I will be washed clean from hurt and anger and doubt and saddness.

Healing Rain fall on me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31D2g7t5Bjs