Believing

July 21, 2011


I am turning 37 in 2 days. I have seen a lot in those 37 years, hurt, loved, felt abandoned and rejected, loss…I have overcome a great deal to stand on solid ground and I have been wrong about a great many things. Mostly I have loved my Lord, who has walked me through this process of life. I am at a stage in my life, where life sucks. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be that person who looks at life with fogged glasses, yet in my attempts to clean those life glasses, I only seem to scratch them and mess up their alignment. So my eyes have a hard time beholding the beauty that is around me. Help me Lord Jesus, help me.

Yesterday was a hard day with my mom. In the past when I spoke those words, it was because she and I butted heads, or she did not meet my expectation, or I did not meet hers. In the past, I would tell my mom I was upset and she would tell me I was over exaggerating or that there was a miscommunication. Yesterday was a hard day with my mom, because for the first time in this process it seems she is dying. I have been told that she was for months, and I have not believed anyone. Not because I am in denial, but because I believe God is going to heal her. I believe my God can heal her. Becky shared a quote with me from John Wimber where he said that he would go to the hospital and pray for people and believe God would heal them, and they would die. But he kept on praying. And sometimes people would live, but no matter what the outcome, he was going to keep on praying. I am a warrior. I pray and fight and fast and pray some more. I have seen God move and defend and protect and heal and give. Recently, I have noticed that I am not a warrior; I am a broken, sad, grieving girl who feels like God forgot about me.

So I travel down my life road, wondering how I am going to make it. My mom’s body is deteriorating right before my eyes. Her face and eyes are yellow, her ankle and stomach are swollen. She moves slow and sleeps a lot. The hospice chaplain came to talk and pray with my mom. He was there about an hour and then left. When he left, my mom began to sob uncontrollably. I said, maybe he shouldn’t come anymore mom. She held me tight and said, “No, it is okay Teresa, he helped me today. He helped me to understand what is going on with me emotionally.” I took a deep breath to brace myself for what she was going to say next. “I am grieving,” she said and started to cry again. “I am grieving the loss of my family. I am going to leave them and I am grieving that. I don’t want to. I am not scared or angry with God, but I had this feeling I could not figure out, and it is grief. I am grieving the fact that I won’t be here for my family and my husband and my kids and grandkids.” I hugged her with a fierce embrace and a weight came upon me. I cried with her and felt exhausted. She asked me to come with her into her room and sit with her, and so I did.

About 5 minutes went by and she opened her dresser drawer. She handed me a pouch and asked me to open it. The pouch was pink satin and had a snap and zipper on it. I unzipped the pouch and pulled out a pearl necklace. It was beautiful. My mom took my hands and put the pearls in my palm. She said, “You are my pearl. You were like a piece of sand, rough and irritating at times, but God turned you into a beautiful pearl. Look at the luster and beauty that came from a little rough piece of sand. It is shining and smooth and beautiful, just like you. I want you to have them to wear or for Carah to wear when she gets married.” Tears welled up in my eyes… I want you to be there for Carah’s wedding I thought. I want you to be there. Grief weighed upon me at that moment. But there was more. Inside the pouch was a gold ring with a small diamond in it. It was the ring I bought for my mom for Christmas the first year I started working. I was 17 when I gave it to her. She said, “I want you to give this to Carah when she is 16, so she has something from me that came from you. I want it to be passed down so that she can remember me.” At this point, I was sobbing. I have only been an adult for 20 years. I had kids young so they could be around their grandparents and experience life with them. I expected my mom to live into her 80’s and even 90’s, giving me 30 or more years with her. I was expecting my mom to die when she had white hair and lots of wrinkles. That I can understand and process, this I cannot.

People tell me all the time, when I tell them that I believe God will heal my mom, “well what if He doesn’t?” I respond quickly with, “It is not my job to know if He is or is not. It is my job to believe, and so that is what I am going to do. Whether my mom dies in 2 months or 20 years, I have to believe that God will heal my mom, and that is all I have.” Some people think that I am in denial. The reality is that I am in faith. I believe God can, I believe He will. I have tried hard not to grieve. By grieving I feel like I am not walking in faith. I have tried to be strong and hopeful and positive. My mom handed me a beautifully decorated box with tea cups on it, when I put the pearls away. Inside was a tea cozy for a tea pot, her tea lid holder and a spoon from Holland. I pulled out a box that had a dazzling bracelet in there that sparkled with brilliance. My mom assured me of its monetary value and the value of the pearls. I continued to open neatly wrapped treasures in this box and unwrapped a baby dress that was mine when I was an infant. And finally, I came to the most valuable thing of all… a sewing pattern. It was the pattern my mom used to make me a doll when I was 5. She did not have much money, had me, my brother and was pregnant with my sister. I have the doll, still to this day. She sits in my baby doll cradle that has my name carved in it that sits in the corner of my room. I opened it up and saw the directions and all the pieces neatly cut out. She said, “I thought, maybe you would want it, so you can make a doll for Carah that matches.” Grief!

I was crying and told my mom thank you. She pulled me close and prayed over me. She asked the Lord to bless me and my kids, to give me life and prosperity. To help me overcome my hurts and to bring restoration to the relationships that are broken in my life with my father and brother. She asked the Lord to protect my family and blessed me in my writing. She prayed for my marriage and for my health. She blessed me.

It felt as if she was passing a torch to me. I did not want to take it. By taking that torch, I was taking on the responsibility of matriarch. I did not want to touch it. I want her to keep it. I want my mom to hold on to it. She is the matriarch in this family! I just lost my Nana, 5 years ago on my mom’s side and my grandma on my father’s side just passed away 2 months ago. I DON’T WANT IT!!! She hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay, this life is only temporary, and she reminded me. We are just strangers passing through. She called my daughter into her room and prayed over her. She prayed for her gifts and her purity. She prayed for her husband and her children that she will have one day. I was sobbing… Carah was overwhelmed and was trying not to cry. My mom gave her a box too. Inside was the tea cup that she had that matched one she gave me. She gave my sister and me tea cups that were different and she had the matching ones at her house. She told Carah that she can have it and do tea with me and think about her. Carah hugged her tightly and told her thank you and that she loved her. Carah came over to me and hugged me and said, “Are you okay mama?” I knew she was more concerned about me than she was about herself. I felt like a bad mom… I didn’t want her to worry about me. I wanted her to be in the moment with her Nana. But my daughter has seen me emotionally deteriorate this last year and has a deep concern for me. I told her I was and that she needed to focus on what Nana was saying. My mom continued to bless her and took Carah’s face in her too feeble hands and pulled her close to her and kissed her. Carah started to cry and told my mom she loved her. We packed her tea cup up and went into the living room. We sat down on the couch and my mom sat down on her chair and we all fell asleep.

It was emotionally overwhelming. I know that I am not the only person who is going through this. I know that there are a lot of people that have fought cancer, been around cancer, and lost someone they love to cancer. I know that my siblings and dad are experiencing their own grief. I know that death is a part of this life we live in… But I feel so abandoned by God right now. I do not hear Him, I cannot feel Him and I wonder if He is going to answer our prayers. I still pray, I still worship Him and I will always love Him, but I feel so far from His presence. I don’t know if I should grieve or not. It is upon me and I am fighting it.

 I believe my mom is going to be healed!

Legacy

It has been said that there is at least one person in our lives who inspires us, who challenge us, who mentor us to be the people we turn out to be. Most of the time it is in the tender places of our childhood, where our roots are shallow and tender. Other times it is well into adulthood when our solid oaks of who we are are transformed by a wack to the trunk and we are no longer the tree we thought we were. I have seen with my own eyes, lives shaped, changed, transformed by this journey of life. Some things so beautifully intententional, others devestating to the soul.

I have been hiding from life these days. Wondering at the place I am. Looking at the faces of my children, who are looking like men and a little woman. There are no toys on my floors, no cartoons to watch and no car seats to buckle in. I wonder if I will be that person who inspires my children. I wonder I will be the one who gave my kids the emotional and spiritual strength in who they are becoming. It is hard to be in this place. I can no longer hide our struggles from them. They know when there is no money and when we go to the food bank, or pretend to go camping in the backyard. They know that when their parents argue it is over the weight of not knowing how or when things are going to change. I watch their faces and hear them laugh and see them cry. I know they carry some of the burden and I want to take it from them. Mostly, I  feel blessed that they are near me, safe and protected.

I think to the time when I was young. I was always so passionate, full of life and adventure. By the time I was 10, I wanted to be the first woman astronaught in space. By the time I was 12, I wanted to be the first female president. By the time I was 13, I wanted to be in the Olympics and break the world record for speed. By the time I was 14, I wanted to start my own business. By t he time I was 15, I wanted to be a business woman, who made millions of dollars. By the time I was 16, I was in love and didn't really care about much of anything. By the time I was 17, I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. By the time I was 18, I wanted to travel the world. By the time I was 19, I met a man, God told me was my husband. By the time I was 20, I was married. When the ring was put on my finger and I said, I do, I no longer had personal ambitions and dreams, I now had married ambitions and dreams. By the time I was 21, I had my first son and that began my journey of motherhood. I did not ever go on the adventures I had planned...just a different adventure.

Motherhood. I don't believe that was in my list... Wait. Did I know how to be a mom, could I be a good mom? The quest of determining what we were to do with parenthood, became the topic of most of my husband and my conversations. Would I be a mom, just a mom? No career, no path, no dream, just mom? Yes, I could go down that path. I could take one step at a time. I could feed and love and care for this little one. Then the next little one, then the next. I navigated through some deep waters with much prayer and trust in my Savior. I took one step at a time and fell and soared and tripped and ran. I was a mom. I am a mom.

I am watching my own mother navigate through her thoughts and assessing her life as she battles this wicked disease. I see her fight for what she desires and believes to be true. I have listened to her stories and seen the books she filled her soul and spirit with. I have watched her read the Bible and talk about seeing Jesus. I listen to her tell me about all the fond memories she has of her 4 children and the things we did. My mom was a career mom. She worked long hours and was mom when she could. She struggled to be the stay at home mom she wanted to be in the short hours she had with us, when she was not working. It was in the hours she was working were most of my bad memories come in. I believe that is why I had a hard time with my mom. She does not know or remember or was even a part of those times. Part of me holds her responsible for not being there for me when I needed her to be; and part of me understands why she was not there. I feel like the Lord has given me a gift in helping me to understand why my mom sees things so differently than me. This gift has given me grace and love for my mom that I have not had before. There are still many things we do not agree on, but I am willing to give them to God for His care.

And so, I think about my life and who has inspired me. Who has made an impact on my life? There are so many people who have gently nudged or shoved or even carried me down this river of life. My mom is one of those people who gave me gifts along the way, who I in turn hope to give to my children.

The word legacy comes to mind. It is not just an idea, but a treasury of people and things that make up who we are today. The books on my shelf, the cookie cutters in my drawer, the tea cup in my cabinet, the doll in the cradle, the candlesticks on my mantel.... have given me a legacy that I can pass down to my kids. Each item, each story, each person who impacted me, will also shape my children. It is with that hope that I believe I can and will be that person who inspires my kids. Because in reality it is not really just me who is inspiring and shaping them, but all the people who helped me be who I am today.

FREEDOM

July 4, 2011

Freedom... That is what we, as Americans, celebrate today, our country’s declaration of independence from oppressive government. Something I am extremely passionate about: Preserving this heritage for my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. I value the concept, the idea, the truth of freedom and liberty. Yet I am learning that true freedom is not something that can be held by a country, it cannot be written on a piece of paper, it cannot by turned into a law. Freedom is a transformation of the heart. It is the renewal of our minds. The former is just an expression of the transformation and renewal that happens with each of us individually. Even in this great country, the idea of freedom started with the journey of some very determined people who wanted the freedom to worship God, to live out the spiritual freedom they had experienced in their own lives… It was the manifestation of what was happening inside. Without it, this country is just another nation, where people fight for there own individual expression of freedom. That only breeds disunity and discontent among our fellow countrymen and woman. True freedom is where the Spirit of the Lord is. (2 Corinthians 3:17) When many people come together with the Spirit of God upon them it results in a people, a community, a nation and a world where there is unity and peace and love. No amount of politics, parties, conventions, meetings or world order can bring true freedom. “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery,” Galatians 5:1. Everyonne in this world is a slave to this world. To the corruption of what this world has to offer, "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:16-25. We have to declare our freedom in Christ and take that first step with the Spirit of God.

This kind of freedom starts with me. It starts with you and then spreads to the next person, then the next, then the next, until an entire community is changed, then a city, then a state, then a nation, then the world. Even the good intentions of all the pastors and missionaries and clergy of the world cannot change the heart of people. It is in the heart that we must grasp for every morsel of truth and freedom we can get our hands on.

So what is it that we are trying to free ourselves from? Anything and everything that binds us to this world. Anything and everything that controls our thoughts and emotions that cause us harm or cause us to harm others. Anything and everything that keeps us from the love of a Savior, who died to gives us that freedom, in Him, to live eternally after we leave this wicked world. Anything and everything that keeps us from being a light, a life source to people who live in this world. Anything that is the leading of the flesh and keeps us from the being led by the Spirit of God.

I am one in chains. A woman who sits here writing about the very chains that keeps me from walking in total freedom. I am one who drags behind me the bondage of unforgiveness, anger, hurt, pain and fear. With every day that passes my fight for freedom continues…Fighting, unrelenting until the bondage is gone and I can stand with great resolve, in the face of the wickedness that tries to overtake my soul.

Yet, in my finest hour, with Braveheart qualities, and Joan of Arc passion, I still fall short of the freedom I desire. I realize that it is not I who can bring freedom to my spirit and soul. It is only the by the grace and love of Jesus Christ. It is in this place that I feel helpless, vulnerable, and spiritually blind. I have relinquished control of my own destiny and handed it over to my Lord, with great reluctance. I sense the danger, can smell the wicked stench surround me, but can see nothing. In this great surrender of my own will, I have to trust the God who breathed life into me. What an ironic disposition… trusting the very God who created me? Why would I not trust Him? Yet, part of me does not. There has been suffering and loss, I have walked through the wilderness, and that is why I wonder, can I? Can I trust a God that watched me go through such heart ache? A gentle tug on my heart reminds me that the Creator of this universe watched His son go through the greatest pain in history. Can I trust Him? Can I trust my God with my heart? I have no other choice. I have already walked down the road and failed… I have already yielded my sword in my own strength and suffered the battle wounds of fighting this battle on my own. I cannot, I will not walk down this road again. With all of my knowledge of the Word of God, in all my conversations with my Savior, in all of my gifts by the Holy Spirit, I still walked down the road of independence. The road that promised freedom from the past and hurt, but it was a religious sidetrack that got me only more scars, more hurt.

So here I am…blind to the road before me, unable to see what lies ahead. Not sure how we will pay our rent, buy food, pay for gas. Not sure if my mom will live or die, unknowing if I will ever speak to my father again. Unsure if I will ever be vindicated for the things that happened to me as a little girl. I am blind. I cannot see if my kids will do all that they have set out to do. I step into a world unfamiliar to me. Tasting, smelling and hearing the freedom that lies ahead, but so unsure of my next step. Will I fall? Will I go the wrong way? Is there danger ahead? It has paralyzed me. It is sucked the life out of me, it has stolen my joy. But no more!!! I will not let the blindness hinder me from being who God called me to be.

While watching a show called “Expedition Impossible” the Lord spoke to me about my spiritual blindness. There are 12 teams of 3, each going through intense physical and intellectual journeys to reach the safe place at the end of each leg of the race. There is a team called "No Limits" and one of the three men is blind. This man is no ordinary man. Before this game show, he climbed Mt. Everest, hiked, canoed and traveled to many places. Watching him and listening to him, I am amazed at his joy and passion. I watched him ride a camel and horse, climb sand dunes and mountains, repel down a mountain, kayak and trust his 2 other teammates. His teammates wear a bell for him to tune into to know where to go. I am amazed at how he delights in each challenge, seemingly enjoying the journey. That is the place where he and I differ. He enjoys his journey in the darkness and I am complaining along the journey in the darkness. In some cases, I will not even move. I will just sit and waste precious time. I have learned a great deal from this man. In his physical blindness he has learned to enjoy the journey of his life. I too, want to do the same. In this dark place, not knowing where I am going or how I am going to get there, I need to learn how to enjoy the journey. When it seems overwhelming, like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, instead of being overtaken with fear and anxiety, I need to get on my repelling gear and just keep on going….
( http://abc.go.com/watch/expedition-impossible/SH55126301?CID=google_sem_1 )

So today, I will tune my ear to the bell my Lord wears and take my first step to enjoying the journey of complete and total freedom!