Sunday Morning dread...

I wish Sunday mornings in church buildings across America consisted of a family style breakfast, where everyone sits around tables and eats and drinks and talks about their week. Where many different people from many walks of life got up and shared what The Lord revealed to them that week in Spirit or in the Word. 

Where the spiritually mature watched over to be sure truth was spoken, but didn't find their identity in a title or position. 

Where people prayed for one another while they are eating and drinking and the results of those prayers were healing; emotionally, spiritually and physically. 

Where worshiping in song happened after Acts 2:42-43 took place, and it was not limited to the program or time, but went as long or short as the spirit led. Where people who don't worship in song could stay and pray or fellowship or minister to or be ministered to by the people they are breaking bread with! (Which is actually communion, not the wafer grape juice nock off version)

I wish churches in America looked like what the Bible says they should look like and not how man says it should look like. I wish Bible colleges stopped giving people papers that says they are pastors, when in fact only God determines who is equip to lead. I wish churches put less stake on paper and more on discernment of character. 

I wish pastors stopped teaching tithing and instead expected giving as a by product of loving Jesus. Where people gave as much or as little as they felt lead and they did not have to measure their gift by a number or a percentage. 

I wish churches in America were filled with gang bangers, prostitutes, homeless, single moms, Adulterers, porn addicts, drug addicts, alcoholic, abusive and abused people, so that they could receive the saving grace and love of a Savior, who already died innocently on a cross for them to experience freedom from the bondage they are in; so they could be loved by those who already know the love of Jesus. So they would feel like the most beautiful, valued people on earth! 

I wish the American church embraced other denominations besides their own, collaborated with with other churches, ministries and individuals who have the common goal of being people to the saving grace of Jesus Christ; instead of competing with one another. 

I wish I could see Jesus lived out in the churches as he promised us: "Greater things will you do in my name." GREATER THINGS!!! Meaning greater than what He did in the Bible? Do you see "greater things" happening at your church? 

Then....

I wouldn't wake up on Sunday morning dreading going to a building that says it is Christian, but is really just another place to promote self and agendas. 

I wouldn't dread worshipping in song and listening to singers who have no concept of the heart of worship! I wouldn't be irritated by a man or woman who  decides that 3 songs is enough.

I wouldn't have to listen to one man over and over again, giving me their perspective of God. 

Do people really think that the nature of God can be summed up by one person! If so, we serve a small limited God! No one person can clearly communicate God, which is why it is mandatory that multiple people share their perspective of how God loves them, so we, as a community can have a more well rounded view of the Creator of this Universe! 

I was in church last week and listened to the 20 year veteran pastor talk about vanity. I would rather hear the guy who was sitting in front of me tattooed up with gang symbols! I would love to hear his take on vanity! He was weeping during worship, because you could see it was deep for him! It was not an obligation or duty! Jesus Christ was his life!

Sigh...

So off I go to some building, where I will reach deep to grab whatever crumb of the Word I am given today, that generally lacks passion or conviction. I will worship in song, with everything in me and be told later by my kids that people were staring at me. My husband will leave during the sermon and go outside to pray for the pastor... My kids will look at me with their "really" mom faces, because we have taught them the truth about what the Bible says about church and they are wondering why we are there.

And we will do our best to love, serve and worship in a broken place called -the American church!

Healing Rain

The clouds loom low today. Hovering over the ground in a dark embrace. I am in the midst of those clouds. I can smell them, see them, feel them all around me. It feels heavy and my steps are slow and weighted.

She is gone, my mother. Her body left here on this broken world, her soul and spirit embraced by the Savior of this world. I can no longer hear her voice or touch her face. I no longer have the hope of relationship I longed for.

There are so many questions sunanswered, so many words unspoken. There is suspense still hanging in the air, still wonder as to why. I feel like I just got into a good book and the best part of the book was ripped out, so I never know how the story ends. And so the weight of the clouds looms in uncertainty.

My mother was the joint in many of the relationships I had. Two seperate bones, with different purposes and functions, yet somehow she was able to join them together. I wonder what kind of pain will saturate the bones around my moms life... what kind of friction will occur without her seperating joint. I makes my heart hurt. I can not even put into words all the things that are consuming my mind. It is too much, too hard, too confusing, too painful.

I wonder what I am grieving more... the loss of my mom, as I know I wll see her again; or the loss of the hope I had? What am I grieving more... the loss of her flesh or the loss of memories that were not made and will not be made with me and my kids; Is it the reality that my step siblings will get the best of my dad and me, my sister and brother will once again be put off? Am I grieving because I feel like an orphan? No mother, my father has not spoken to me in 4 years and my step dad, although I know he loves me, has 3 biological children who beckon him to come without including Cari, Eric and I...

I am twisted and turned upside down... It seems I should be able to get back to life as normal... but it is not happening... I did not really talk to my mom the last year before she got sick, I always had the hope that our relationship would be restored and we would be close... that hope is gone. So many questions, so many holes....

I feel the clouds press down upon me... It is dark and gloomy and I am trying to break free. I am trying to establish a new legacy, a new way, a new family tradition... There is hope in that, but there will always be holes left in the place where my mom was supposed to be....

Perhaps the clouds will bring rain, to wash me clean from this grief and hurt. Perhaps the rain will wash away the stains of abandonment and anger and leave me clean and new. Perhaps the rain will leave the scent of new growth and new life.

I am hoping that is what the clouds bring...I am hoping I will be washed clean from hurt and anger and doubt and saddness.

Healing Rain fall on me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31D2g7t5Bjs

Hope is...letting go

June 10, 2011


My posture seems different… hoping. Hope, what is hope exactly?

I am hoping my mom gets well. I am hoping God is healing her, even now. The amazing thing about hope is that is seems to need companions… It seems to me that hope fades when you are hoping alone. It is my experience that the more people who are around who are hoping for the same thing. The easier it is to hope.

I didn’t see my mom today. Instead I spent 5 hours talking, praying and pondering this experience with Becky, who God has brought into my life to be a spiritual midwife, of sorts. My cousin came with me and the spirit of God gave me even more hope. Hope of restoration, hope of healing, hope of joy, hope for the future. At this moment, I can not see death in my mom, only life. I do not see hopelessness, only hope. My sister spent most of the day with her. My mom has people around her 24/7. My brothers are staying at her house until Sunday, a friend is staying with her until Sunday. She has visitors that stop by all day long and receives phone call and packages every day. My Tia Karen just flew in and my Tia Jaunita (my mom’s sister) her husband Jun and my cousin Roxanne are all visiting her tomorrow. My cousin Roxanne flew in from Kuwait tonight. Today my cousin Christie and her family are coming with me and my kids to visit.

I felt angry that my mom was not getting rest… Wait what? Angry… what the hell… why would I be angry? I seriously have some control issues… or is it that I feel like my hope for healing is getting trampled on because she is not getting rest… I had to breath… my husband said, “Honey, it is probably better than worse that people are lining up at the door to see you mom.. It will bring her joy and she will feel loved. Perhaps that part of the healing process for her. You just have to trust God.”

He is so right… I determined that I am a fixer. If there is a problem, I fix it. If I cant fix it, I get pissed… I get frustrated… so here I am Lord, giving it up to you… I can not fix it, only you can. You are in control.. I am letting go…

Being sure...

June 9, 2011


This morning I was praying and talking to God about my faith. The verse "Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see," came to mind. The Holy Spirit spoke write to my little broken heart and said, "faith is being sure of what your HOPE for... not sure of God's will, not sure of your understanding, not sure of the future... Sure of your hope.... just hope...You are HOPING your mom is healed... just continue to hope and be sure of that hope... don’t worry about whether or not it is God's will or if you have enough of faith... you just be sure of that hope you have for healing in your moms body..." Being sure... okay… being sure….

sure

adj.

1. Impossible to doubt or dispute; certain.

2. Not hesitating or wavering; firm: sure convictions.

3. Confident, as of something awaited or expected: sure of ultimate victory.

4.
a. Bound to come about or happen; inevitable: sure defeat.

b. Having one's course directed; destined or bound: sure to succeed.

5. Certain not to miss or err; steady: a sure hand on the throttle.

6.

a. Worthy of being trusted or depended on; reliable.

b. Free from or marked by freedom from doubt: sure of her friends.

7. Careful to do something: asked me to be sure to turn off the stove.

8. Obsolete Free from harm or danger; safe.