Can I be a Biggest Loser?

It seems inevitable that anytime I make a commitment to lose weight, something happens to my body In the past I have broken a hand, sprained an ankle, sprained my knee, injured my heel, hurt my back and the list goes on and on. It has become comical, as I refuse to let such setbacks push me into depression. I fight on, trying to keep the calories down, trying to do workouts that don’t involve the injured part of me.


Yet, even in my healthiest state, when I trained 6 months for a triathlon or trained for months to run a marathon, I still only lost 5 or so pounds. I wrestle with the reality that my body does not submit to my greatest efforts. It seems illogical or unreal, but the truth remains; my body fights losing weight. This fact has put me into a place of surrender. I have surrendered to the notion that despite my greatest efforts, losing weight does not happen.

It sounds like a cop out, I know. It is not. It sounds like I have given up. I haven’t. I will continue to fight; I will continue to work out and try to reach my goals. The surrender is in the fact that no matter what I do, or how hard I try I may not lose any weight and I have to be okay with that. I need to work out and eat right because no matter what the outside of my body looks like, the inside will benefit.

This has been my biggest struggle. In life, I have had to come to the realization that things do not always work out the way you want them to. For me, it is a shattering truth, as I am a person who always fights, always finds an answer, and always finds a way. There is no CANT in my vocabulary. We always CAN do something. But my can do attitude has left me wanting. Left me wondering, left me sitting here in complete exhaustion and nothing to show for it.

My faith has kept me standing, but I question. Do I need medical help? Do I need to have some invasive surgery that forces me to eat about 1000 calories a day? Do I really need to go to the Biggest Loser and work out for hours a day to accomplish my goal? Would my body even submit? I ran a minimum of 5 miles a day for 30 days straight until I reached my 10 mile goal, hurt knee and all and lost 4 pounds! I ate 1800 calories and ran my heart out. People doubt me, but me family can testify. I eat less than everyone in my family, eat the healthiest, take the most supplements and still carry an extra person on my back.

As I watched the Biggest Loser last night, I balled. The first 5 minutes and I was sobbing. I saw hundreds of overweight people sitting in the audience, all with a story. Each one hurting, wounded, discouraged, broken. I wish I could talk to each one and tell them that they have worth, tell them to fight, speak life into their hearts so that they feel able to overcome. I know their story, it is mine. I know the pain of caring a visible scar around for the world to see. I was broken hearted when one of the contestants quit because the emotional pain was too heavy for her to bear in public. I was discouraged for the girl who only lost 9 pounds and knew all too well the discouragement that goes along with working hard for little or no results.

When I started this journey, I was running 2 miles almost every day. Then my planter fasciitis flared up and I had to walk, then Christmas came and I did not work out for the week. Then I got the flu. For two weeks I was laid out, and now I injured my back moving a bookcase. Yes, it sounds like lots of excuses, and maybe they are, but this is what I always have to fight against when I make a commitment to win this weight loss battle.

It is Monday; the kids went back to school. I slept until noon, still fighting the flu. I am weak and tired. I want to win, I want to overcome. I am going to apply for the Biggest Loser. I am going to do all I can to get there.I will try to lose weight on my own in the meantime...

I will fight, and I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day.

Changing my mindset

Christmas came and went. My sister and her family came to spend time with us at our home and we had an amazing time of celebration, love, family, connecting and remembering. We ate and drank a lot and laughed and cried a lot. She is moving to Georgia in a little over a month and my heart is grieved.


2013 is upon us and I sit here, in my home, reflecting on the previous year. I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions, as they can be a bit cliché; however, this year, with so many things that I want to put behind me, I have determined that it is a great time to make some goals for the year. Bill and I have included our kids on the challenge and we are each writing out realistic goals that we will try to reach for.

Mine of course has to do with my health and weight. I have failed big to keep any type of diet and exercise routine during Christmas, but have given myself grace. A new concept I am learning, which I believe will benefit me on this journey. Here are my goals:

1. Eat 1500 calories a day

2. Work out a minimum of twice a day

3. Apply for Biggest Loser

4. Lose 100 pounds

5. Get off blood pressure medication

6. Finish my book

7. Finish 2 years of scrapbooks

8. Get more followers for my blog

9. Start series of Children’s books that I started years ago

10. Purge the stuff from my house that I don’t need

11. Grow closer to the Lord

I have determined that having goals and working toward them actually gives me a sense of purpose. With the kids all in school, I felt purposeless and had a hard time focusing on anything as my whole life was summed up in my kids. I have reached the top of the hill with parenting and am on the other side now going downhill towards letting them go. In less than 6 years all my kids will be adults, looking toward their futures and I have to begin to change my focus as a parent.

For me the number one priority is my health. It is not just a change in behavior, but a change in mindset. I am so discouraged by so many failed attempts of weight loss that I find I lack the motivation and determination I once strived in. My heart is broken, my mind is tired and body is heavy. My relationship with the Lord is hard, as I feel abandoned by Him. My mind cannot comprehend why and how he would allow so many things to transpire in our lives, even in obedience. I find it hard to talk to Him and hard to trust Him. I know it needs to change, but my heart is broken and needs healing. I hope that this journey will help me heal, help me grow closer to the Lord, I hope.

I can feel the change in the spiritual atmosphere, I can hear the heartbeat of the earth slowing down, and I can see the realm of darkness closing in. I must change my mind, body and soul to prepare for what is ahead. I must achieve my goals. I need to push forward and stop looking back. I must, I hope, I need… I want to fight for my goals, but I am too weak, to weary; so I can only hope that my efforts are enough. I can no long fight my way to the surface of breakthrough. All I can do is my best and hope that it is enough.

Merry Christmas, I pray that you were blessed with love and joy as you celebrated the birth of our Savior.

Happy New Year, May you obtain all the goals you set. May your life be filled with health, prosperity and love.