Can I be a Biggest Loser?

It seems inevitable that anytime I make a commitment to lose weight, something happens to my body In the past I have broken a hand, sprained an ankle, sprained my knee, injured my heel, hurt my back and the list goes on and on. It has become comical, as I refuse to let such setbacks push me into depression. I fight on, trying to keep the calories down, trying to do workouts that don’t involve the injured part of me.


Yet, even in my healthiest state, when I trained 6 months for a triathlon or trained for months to run a marathon, I still only lost 5 or so pounds. I wrestle with the reality that my body does not submit to my greatest efforts. It seems illogical or unreal, but the truth remains; my body fights losing weight. This fact has put me into a place of surrender. I have surrendered to the notion that despite my greatest efforts, losing weight does not happen.

It sounds like a cop out, I know. It is not. It sounds like I have given up. I haven’t. I will continue to fight; I will continue to work out and try to reach my goals. The surrender is in the fact that no matter what I do, or how hard I try I may not lose any weight and I have to be okay with that. I need to work out and eat right because no matter what the outside of my body looks like, the inside will benefit.

This has been my biggest struggle. In life, I have had to come to the realization that things do not always work out the way you want them to. For me, it is a shattering truth, as I am a person who always fights, always finds an answer, and always finds a way. There is no CANT in my vocabulary. We always CAN do something. But my can do attitude has left me wanting. Left me wondering, left me sitting here in complete exhaustion and nothing to show for it.

My faith has kept me standing, but I question. Do I need medical help? Do I need to have some invasive surgery that forces me to eat about 1000 calories a day? Do I really need to go to the Biggest Loser and work out for hours a day to accomplish my goal? Would my body even submit? I ran a minimum of 5 miles a day for 30 days straight until I reached my 10 mile goal, hurt knee and all and lost 4 pounds! I ate 1800 calories and ran my heart out. People doubt me, but me family can testify. I eat less than everyone in my family, eat the healthiest, take the most supplements and still carry an extra person on my back.

As I watched the Biggest Loser last night, I balled. The first 5 minutes and I was sobbing. I saw hundreds of overweight people sitting in the audience, all with a story. Each one hurting, wounded, discouraged, broken. I wish I could talk to each one and tell them that they have worth, tell them to fight, speak life into their hearts so that they feel able to overcome. I know their story, it is mine. I know the pain of caring a visible scar around for the world to see. I was broken hearted when one of the contestants quit because the emotional pain was too heavy for her to bear in public. I was discouraged for the girl who only lost 9 pounds and knew all too well the discouragement that goes along with working hard for little or no results.

When I started this journey, I was running 2 miles almost every day. Then my planter fasciitis flared up and I had to walk, then Christmas came and I did not work out for the week. Then I got the flu. For two weeks I was laid out, and now I injured my back moving a bookcase. Yes, it sounds like lots of excuses, and maybe they are, but this is what I always have to fight against when I make a commitment to win this weight loss battle.

It is Monday; the kids went back to school. I slept until noon, still fighting the flu. I am weak and tired. I want to win, I want to overcome. I am going to apply for the Biggest Loser. I am going to do all I can to get there.I will try to lose weight on my own in the meantime...

I will fight, and I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day.