Intelleculy Simple

“Nothing that man purposes to do will be impossible for them.” – God (Genesis 11:6b)

The human brain is incredibly intellectual. The capacity to store, retrieve and formulate information and ideas is limitless. At the beginning of time, without internet or billions of people on earth to share information with, man began to build a tower to heaven. God created us with the capacity to do the “impossible” in our own purposes. Our own will and intellect and strength can, according to God, can accomplish anything we purpose. It boggles my mind. The amount of power, we as humans have. God gave us the capacity to literally do the impossible.

Yet, in that great power, we have been given an opportunity to sacrifice our own purposes, our own wills, our own desires and partner with God instead. In partnering with the living God, the one who created us, who gave us life, we are denying our own purposes and carrying out God’s purposes. It is a great battle. “Not my will, but your will be done.” Surrendering our will allows the LORD to do more than the impossible… it allows Him to reach his creation, it allows him to talk with his beloved humans, it gives Him power to perfect us, it give Him the power to carry out His plans through us.

Our intellectual power, interferes with the work of God. For in it, we believe that it is through us things are accomplished, that by us change is made. “We are God’s workmanship, created for good works in Christ, He calls us to offer of ourselves, a living sacrifice.” We were created for good works- but good works are temporal, if they are not rooted in the will of God. That is why we are called to sacrifice ourselves. We are literally putting our own agendas, ideas, purposes, plans, intentions on the altar, so that God’s agenda’s, ideas, purposes, plans and intentions can be carried out through us.

It’s no wonder why Jesus chose fishermen as his first disciples. Hard working, uneducated, simple men; their plans were to fish, make money for their families, repeat. They did not sit in the temple and get into long debates about the scriptures. They did not spiritualize events or actions or make plans to start a ministry or organization. It was easy for them to adopt the will of Jesus into their being. Jesus simply said, “Follow Me” and they did. They immediately subjected their will to His. Step by step, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, the disciples learned “not my will, but yours.”

They experienced the power of partnering with God. God always provided for them. There was no earthy need that was not met. Ministry happened organically. It was not planned in their hearts, it was embraced by their hearts. The plan has already been written. The organization has already been established. The mission and vision has already been laid out. All we have to do is “Follow Him.”

We were challenged with “Following Jesus” in 2008. Our life was in chaos and I heard the LORD say, “Sell all you have and follow me.” “All I have Jesus? What about my kids, and how am I going to live?” I told my husband what the Lord told me and he said, “Well let’s just start selling what we have until God tells us to stop.” So we did. We started with the extra “stuff” we owned. One by one, items began to leave our house. It was hard, sometimes, I held back and cried about “things” I was letting go of. It purged us. It stretched us out of the American mindset that we need “stuff.” It delivered us from the bondage of money and set us free from the expectations of others.

The hardest thing for me to sell was my kids Fisher Price toys. I put them out and brought them back in numerous time. It felt like I was selling my children’s childhood. Tossing it out with the wind. My dramatic flair, I am sure delights the LORD, as I emotionally embraced plastic toys and tied them to my children’s worth. I sobbed. I put them all out to sell. A family came by and looked at the toys. They were a young family, with four children under the age of 6. I could tell life had been hard for the mom. The dad too, looked exhausted and worn from the realities of life. “How much for all?” She asked. Now you have to realize. I come for a toy collector family. I know what toys are worth now and in the future. I told her $75 for the whole set. (I had a lot of Fisher Price toys) Her face dropped and she looked at her husband. He too seemed devastated. It hit me. “These are Fisher Price toys,” I thought in my head, “Not some Dollar Tree crap that has no worth.”

 They walked away from the toys and looked at some of the other things we had. After they were done looking around, they told their children it was time to go. Three of their children were playing with all the toys. They were laughing and make believing, using different voices and animal sounds as they acted out the scenes unfolding in plastic wonder. Their children begged their parents for these toys, like they were the latest items on the shelf. “Please!” The pleaded for the toys. The parents saw the wonder in their children’s eyes. I saw the hurt in the parent’s eyes that they could not afford even garage sale toys for their babies. “Would you consider selling them separately?” The dad asked. Of course I would NOT sell them separately! That was part of the value. A collection of toys, well cared for is where the value is at. “I am only selling as a set” was my answer.

Then the LORD spoke. “Teresa, let go of the things of this earth and follow me.” “But LORD, you told us to sell all we have, I am not going to just give things away!” A statement I wished I did not say. As the words formulated in my mind, I knew what was coming next. I heard the words that were harder than sell all you have. “I want you to give the whole set to them, as a gift from Me,” I heard the LORD say. I was fuming… steaming mad. “What?!?!? No, I am not giving these toys away, no way no how.” My thoughts were consumed in a temper tantrum with God. I was livid. I was already doing what He asked and it was HARD!!! Now you want me to just give away something I value and get nothing in return?

As I was immersed in thought, faint sounds of crying and hurt raised in the air. I came to, and saw the family getting into their old van. “Give them the toys!” I heard the LORD say. “Fine!!!” I yelled back to God, as my face put on the plastic smile. “Excuse me,” I yelled out to the parents. I think they thought I was about to accuse them of taking one of the Fisher Price people, because before they answered me, they both looked at their children to ensure nothing was in their hands. “Hold on,” I said. “I want to give you something.” I went to my garage and got out a big box, and a plastic bag. I started to put the Farm and the house and the gas station and the airport and the car wash and the fire station into the box. My children helped put the people and the animals and cars and trucks into bags.

“Here you go,” I said to the parents, “You can have these for your children.” I handed them the box. “We love these, but we just can’t pay for them.” I took credit for the action and said, “Don’t worry about the cost, they are a gift.” The dad fumbled in his wallet and took out some fives and tens and ones to pay me. “This is not a gift from you, it is a gift from Me,” The LORD reminded me. “No,” I said, “put your money away. These toys are a gift from God. He told me to give them to you, so you know just how much He loves you and your family. That he cares about the littles details of your heart.” My children handed the bags of toys to their children, standing there in awe, that I was just giving away these toys I had made them value.

Both of the parents began to cry. The mom, began to weep. She was overwhelmed by the love of God. Her face lightened and a burden lifted. She hugged me and told me that she did not know what to say. The dad was humbled, but not shamed. He felt honored, I think, that the LORD was there, in his midst. They both began to tell me that they could come by and pay me in payments for the toys. Again, I reminded them, that these were a gift from God. A cool light breeze swept across my front yard. I sensed the Holy Spirit covering them with hope, filling me with joy and our children with love. It was incredible. They got into the car and drove away. I never saw them again, and honestly, if I saw them in a crowd, one day, I would not even recognize them. As they drove down our street and turned the corner, I sighed a life changing sigh.

This event transfigured my soul. It changed my mindset and belief about myself and others. It helped me to see the stumbling blocks in my life and blessed me with the opportunity to partner with what God was doing. I will never know this side of heaven how my reluctant obedience affected this family. I will never see how those little plastic toys impacted this family. I do however see how this event changed me and my family. It was the beginning of a long journey to offer of ourselves a living sacrifice.

After that, the LORD said, “You are done. You do not have to sell anymore.” We closed up the yard sale and started to pack what remained in boxes. For the first time in my life, I felt I could trust God with our stuff, our finances, and our money. I discovered, that in reality, it is not mine anyway, but His, and I am just a caretaker of these things. Our family learned how to surrender our will and agendas. Even in the midst of obeying God, by selling all we had, I still had my own agenda. That $75 was going to be used for my own children. But God had a greater plan. I can only speculate that this event for the family was life changing. It may not have been. It may have only been a seed that was planted; or a weed that was pulled.

For us though, it started us on the journey of “Not my will but your will.” An adventure that has brought us to this place. The place of organic ministry flowing. Intense advocacy on God’s behalf as He presents it. Trusting God, no matter what our eyes see.

“With God, all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Faith in the midst of hardship

The hardest thing about faith is the ability to hold on to something that is not tangible. To believe that, no matter what my eyes see, God is right beside me.

Since we closed the restaurant, we have lived by faith. Trusting God, that no matter what our circumstances look like, He will always provide. I have cried and cussed and laughed and been seriously depressed in the process. I am not one who looks at the possibility of being homeless, or carless or foodless and says, "Praise the Lord!"

I am one who says, "What the F Lord?!?!!?" I don't talk to my God like He is some distant deity, I talk to Him like He is my best friend. Flaws and all, realistic, honest, organic, true me.

I sit here... waiting... waiting for life to take a turn. A financial turn, a job, a home, a car. Still in the same place we were when the restaurant closed. 6 years of hardship... 6 years of lack... 6 years of hoping and believing BY FAITH.

I don't see it. I don't see when it will end, but I believe, BY FAITH in a God who loves me that is soon. It is not easy. Money continues to evade us, cars continue to fall apart on us, and a home continues to be out of reach. I breathe... my heart rate rises, my head pounds. It’s getting old, worn out, tired.

Aren't you, the reader, tired of hearing the same old story about the Beukers? Still without a job or a steady means of income to sustain us? Haven't you questioned our motives, intentions or work ethic, due to the situation we are in? I would, if I were on the other side of this.

God always provides. He doesn't fail us. But it doesn't make the reality any easier. It doesn't make waiting until the final hour any better. I still cry when we don't get the job applied for. I still cuss when the car doesn't work and we have no money to fix it. I still get depressed when I don't know how we are going to feed our kids. I don't share it as much. I don't want to be "that person." You know the ones. The ones who always need something, who are always down on their luck. I want to be the person that is always helping, always giving, always encouraging.

I wrote a blog when my mom was dying called, “Jesus wept.” It was about the notion that Jesus cried when he heard that Lazarus died, EVEN THOUGH, even though he knew he was going to raise him from the dead. The emotion of a friend dying was so great, that even the Son of God, who knows the beginning from the end, let out an emotional burst of tears.

That is where I am today. EVEN THOUGH I know my God will provide, THROUGH FAITH, the emotion behind the reality burst out of me with great intensity. I am ready for this season of my life to be over. I realized the other day, that half of Elijah’s schooling years have been hardship. HALF! It started his 6^th grade year and now he is in 12^th, getting ready to graduate. It’s pretty much all my other two kids know. They were too little to remember the debt free, stay at home homeschooling mom. They mostly remember loss and lack.

That overwhelms my emotions, and pours out of me. No matter how hard we have tried, there has not been much respite. It has been a constant pounding of the waves of financial hardship. My legs shake from the weariness of trying to stand in the pounding. My body shakes from the cold water that just pushed me over and tossed me around.

We, Bill and I, made a decision. We need to be in a place where he can work, where there are opportunities for employment in his field. So our eyes are including areas that are not in the Central Valley. Fresno, is our home. It has been the city we have chosen to raise our kids. Twelve years we have lived here. We are faced with the certainty that without a job, with unemployment benefits gone, living on faith and food stamps, a borrowed car and a rented house going up for sale… we are in the same situation we were when we lost the restaurant…two steps away from being homeless, AGAIN!!!

Have we not learned the lesson? Have we missed something? I am waiting for the moment. You know the moment when you finally make it to the other side. When you can look back and say, “Awe, I did it, I pushed through and overcame.” The Joseph moment. That is what I affectionately refer to. The moment, when, after all the hardship he went to, was finally released from prison and made ruler of all of Egypt, right beneath Pharaoh. Or how about the Job moment. After losing everything, he remained faithful, never turning his back on God, and God restored all that he had lost, 7 times over. Even Job told the Lord to curse the day he was born, because the hardship was so great. I have never done that. I just say, “What the F?!?!?” to Him.

There is only so much you can do, only so much you can say. For me and my family, homelessness and serving God is so much more fulfilling than doing something unethical to make a living. But it doesn’t make it easy. In fact, it is excruciatingly painful and exhausting to keep having FAITH in extreme hardship. In addition to the financial burdens, we have been faced with the death of both of my parents, and the emotional trauma that came with their rejection of me as a person.

Then there are my kids, who I try to protect. They too have experienced hardship. My older son faced racism- yes, my predominately “white” son was discriminated against by his coach, who is African American. It has torn me up. Infuriated me. I have found myself looking to Martin Luther King Jr. for quotes and encouragement. It has made me have even more empathy than I ever did before for ANYONE who has been discriminated against due to the color of their skin or race. More hardship, but for my child. My daughter experienced bullying from her cheer coach. She learned to stand up in the face of hardship and was then punished for it. My sweet little girl, who loves everyone, began to turn cynical and angry. She saw injustice and experienced the ugly side of nepotism. We had to help her process the pain of watching the bully stay and coach and her being asked to leave her team for standing up to her. Even today, she is fighting through it, learning to overcome the abuse of a coach. My middle, highly dyslexic, struggles academically. We had to fight and claw for him to be tested for a 504 plan, so that he would have an equal opportunity to succeed in school. He fights stigma of having a disability with humor and being goofy, but I know it hard for him.

FAITH… more faith… believing the hardship my children have faced will benefit their character. I try to show them the positives of being discriminated against, being bullied and having a disability. Empathy, being an overcomer, loving your enemies… I try to stay positive and let it drive their love for all people. Let is marinate to give them savory faith. The financial hardship gives them a broader spectrum of compassion for others. They are blessed! I mean blessed! My extended family floods them with blessings… Aunts, uncles, grandparents… they shower them with the things we cannot. So they do not lack in material things. They do not live in poverty. They know they are loved, they know they are safe. They know what it is to have plenty and they know what it is to have lack.

So faith remains to be the constant in our lives. The one thing that never changes, the one thing that we can all depend on. Faith, is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. That is the story of our life. The story that has carved the deep crevices of character and compassion into our hearts.

I write, to help me process, to help me breathe. My heart rate is slowing down, my blood pressure is lowering. It is my therapy. My way to live. It gives me a canvas in which I can paint the picture of my heart. I stand back and see color. There is no rhyme of reason to the strokes, but it is our life. There is no more room to paint. I hope that soon the Lord will give us a new canvas to paint, a new book to write.

For now, I will go back to my reality, hoping, believing, and living by FAITH.