I wonder...

I wonder...

What Joseph went through as he sat in a jail cell completely forgotten. I wonder if he ever lost hope or suffered from depression or felt completely and totally alone. I wonder if, even in his provision and favor felt as if he was a crazy person. I wonder if he dreamt about the day when he was released and what he would do or say. I wonder how many times he questioned God. How many times had conversations with God about the unfair predicament of his situation?

I wonder…

So many times when we think about people in the Bible we picture super-human beings who were able to smile and wave through all their struggles while singing praises and thanking God for all their circumstances. They were human like us. They probably cussed a few times, doubted, worried, feared, questioned and even sinned. The people we read about in the Bible struggled with their callings, their families, and their flesh. Yet God still used them.

I see that happen a lot in the Christian culture. This façade of “perfect” that one thinks must be portrayed to be a true “Christian.” I often think of how sad a life that must be; to pretend to be someone you’re not to try to reflect Jesus, who died to purify us. There is no perfect on this earth. There is only imperfect. That is why Jesus is coming back to get us, that is why God is destroying this current earth and creating a new heaven and a new earth.

I wonder…

Why this life I live is hard. Why, no matter how many jobs we apply for, none come our way. I told my husband today, maybe you should apply for jobs you are not qualified for, instead of the jobs you are qualified for and see if you get a job that way. Cuz you are sure not getting a job applying for jobs you are qualified for. Five years we have been doing this… FIVE!!! My nerves are fraying. My hope is holding on. I am undone. I mean completely unraveling. I have no control of my life and it is causing me to break.

I wonder…

How much more of me can break? I am already broken, already undone, already shaken. I have to keep reminding myself that a broken life with Jesus is better than a whole life without Him. My body is revolting and I feel out of alignment. I don’t know where to go, what to do, how to get there. Everywhere we turn doors close. Even in areas where we hear the Lord say go, SLAM! The door closes with a force that pushes me back.

I wonder…

Is it just me or are other people feeling agitated at the current state of our church and state and country. I see an expression of Jesus that I think is manufactured and it irritates me. I see people being turned away from the truth because they are not holy enough or righteous enough or clean enough. I see churches blame groups of people for the reason there is violence or injustice. I want to change it, but feel paralyzed on how to.

I wonder…

If this weight will ever come off of my body. Will I really be able to be successful if I got picked to go to Biggest Loser? What about my kids? Could I really leave them for 6 months at the most important time of their lives? Elijah’s last year in high school, Noah’s first year in high school and Carah a Jr. Higher. Would I be able to withstand the loneliness of not being around my most important support system? Would I break some more? Would I be able to handle the fact that I am doing something for myself and not for my family?

I wonder…

Why people feel threatened by our hearts desire to want to help the youth. I wonder why people in the Christian community find it necessary to invalidate who we are with rumors and lies and stir up trouble amongst our Christian family. Do we really scare you? Are we really intimidating? What is it about us that scare you from my raw authentic approach to life? Or is it that you are scared someone will require you to be the same and you don’t want to take the mask off. Is it really necessary to us abusive tactics to get people in the church to follow you? How about just show the love of Jesus? How about that!!! Maybe then the church would grow!! And youth would be knocking down your door!!!

I wonder…

How much more of this the Lord will require of us to take. I hope it is not too much longer. I hope!!! I have a lot of things I want to do and see and experience with my kids… they are almost grown and gone... Please Lord, hear our prayer; hear our cries; hear our thoughts. We need some breakthrough. Will it come soon?

I wonder…

The Abyss

And then it hit me... in the quiet of my home, I felt alone.
So alone. Not the kind of alone when no one is around you.
Not the kind of alone when you are all by yourself.
The kind of alone where you can be in the middle of a crowd and feel isolated.
The kind of alone where you can be in church with friends surrounding you and feel distant.
The kind of alone where you feel as if God has forgotten you.

When you get here, people tell you, you are not alone, I am here for you. They tell you scriptures and quote songs about God never leaving or forsaking you. When you get here it is desolate and quiet. It is black and white with no color. The sounds are white noises that blend into the atmosphere. It smells like death with a stale stench that lingers.

I am not this person. I am the happy, outgoing hospitality person. The one who always sees the bright side; the one who will gladly carry others burdens; the one who hopes and believes with everything in me. I am the one who listens and prays and fasts. I am the one who surrounds those who feel alone.

But today I felt it. The cold shoulder of lonliness. I wrote a poem when I was 19 years old that said, "Lonliness eats at me like acid from the tongues of hate." I was there once before. I remember. It was like this, only not as deep. I can not even tell you how or where it came from or how I got there. All I know is that I want out. I want out of the lonliness.

It is not to say that I do not have family or friends who love me and cherish me. They do and I am blessed. They walk besides me in great love to ensure I do not fall off the cliff. They hold my hand and sometimes carry me, when I am too weak to carry myself. I hate that they do that. Not because I do not value thier love, but because I can not do it myself. How does one become so weak? How did I become so broken and alone that I can not even carry myself? I am not that person. Or am I?

I desire more. I worship in obedience, hoping to be filled. I pray in obedience, hoping to be answered. I pray in the spirit, hoping to be heard. Where are you Lord? Where have you gone? I can not even sense your presence. I can not even hear your voice. I do not see, like I once did and I feel lost.

My mom asked me how my kids feel about her; are they okay, scared, worried? I told her that the older 2 boys pray for healing but are fully aware of what may happen if the Lord does not heal her. But Carah just believes. She believes God will heal her. There is no alternative, there is no other way. She does not grasp God not healing her. Why wouldn't he? She is fully experiencing the presence of God. She is physically understanding answered prayer in little things, like going to Disneyland. She prayed for months that God would let her go to Disneyland... and BAM... as I write this now, she is in Disneyland, all expenses paid with my good freind Charleen. So if God can do that, why not heal Nana? Her faith is strong and unrelenting and mine is dwindling. Her trust in her Jesus is sure and mine is waivering.

How did I get here? Let me stop and think......

I see a picture of me, standing on the shore of the ocean. The waves begin to come and hit me on my legs, over and over. Then they get bigger and hit me on my waist, over and over. Then they get bigger and start to hit me on my chest, over and over. I am trying to keep my footing, but the sand beneath me is moving and the power of the waves is forcing me to be off balance. Then the waves grow bigger and begin to hit my face. I am trying to stand and gasp for air and eventually the tide takes me. Into the dark deep sea. It is quiet and dark.

The waves of life.

So I am here in the quiet, alone.

I remember praying with someone once. I had a vision of being in the abyss of the ocean. Perhaps that vision was for today and not then. It was around that movie Abyss. The theme of the movie was to get to the deepest, darkest place of the ocean floor and see what was there. They had invented some sort of liquid oxegyn that they would breath in. They would put on their suits and this liquid oxegyn would begin to fill up their helmets. They would gasp and try to take the helmet off, because it felt as if they were drowing. They were, essentially, only the very thing that was drowing them, was going to give them air and fill their chest cavity up so it would not collapse under the pressure of the water.

Upon seeing this vision, initially, I remember hearing the Lord say that he was going to drown me. That I was going to feel the same way, like I was dying. But it was only so that I could go deeper. Perhaps that is were I am now. Being filled up with something new, that feels like death, but really is bringing about life. I am there... gasping, trying to take the helmet off, because I feel like I am going to die. But the Lord wont let me. Perhaps that is why He feels so far... because I am thinking... how could you just stand there and watch me die in this Lord, and worse, how could you hold my hands back to keep me from trying to save myself.

I hope that is the case. I wish I could say, I believe this is the case... but I can't. I can only hope at this point... and there is not a whole lot of hope left inside of me. If it is the case... help me to stop fighting, and just breath in the very things that make me feel like I am going to die... If you promise me Lord that I get to go deeper with you... If you promise me Lord that it is for a greater purpose and that it is not in vain.

So I sit... in the quiet, typing... alone....

hoping to go deeper.