The Exclusion of Motherhood

I sat there, while a 20 year old college student defiled my entire existence as a mother. Her ignorance spewed out of her mouth, like beautiful drops of poison, disguised in equality and freedom. Her words floated through the air and landed on my daughter, and she could feel the pain of it.

Out loud she said, “Thank you for sacrificing your life, mama, so I could be the incredible woman I am today, without wounds and insecurities and trauma. Thank you for depending on daddy to take care of us and giving up your desires, so that we could obtain ours.” My loving, joyful daughter starred at the 20 year old college student, with steam coming out of her ears, and then excused herself to go to the restroom to escape the eruption that was rising within her.

The college student continued to tell the young women in the room that men, essentially were useless and that they are wasting their time being in relationship with them and depending on them.

It is amazing how skewed a person’s perspective can be. Her close mindedness was wrapped in the epidemic that your way is the only way and there is no room for other perspectives. She spewed her hate over all the students there, who were all negatively affected, in some way.

It would be easy for me to lash out words that would totally obliterate her mindset and have her in tears. It is easy for me to bring people to a place of reckoning, when they diminish my life and calling. But for the first time, I felt sorrow, I felt a deep sense of sadness for her and her future children, if she chose to have any.

All of my life, my choice to be a homeschool, stay at home mom, has been diminished by other women. I have been told that I am foolish and uneducated and stupid and close minded and not enlightened. I have been excluded, shamed, made fun of and even scolded for my choice to raise my own children.

Motherhood is a gift. An incredible, wonderful gift. It is a blessing to be in a marriage with a man who loves you so deeply, that he is willing to sacrifice, so that his wife can raise his children. When a husband and wife choose to live in a one income household, especially in California, it is extremely challenging. However the rewards of being the one who actually molds and shapes your children to be amazing humans is priceless.

I did not want other hands on my children, telling them who they are or are not. I did not want other voices speaking death or rejection over my children that would disfigure their souls. I did not want their peers to dictate their worth or their place in this world. I did not want teachers to tell my children they were not enough because they did not accept the indoctrination of government agendas, through the public education system. I did not want media and social media to tell my children they could never measure up to the false images that were projected daily on the screens.

These children of mine are treasures from the living God to nurture and cherish and raise up. They are not burdens or write offs or annoyances that I needed to get rid of. They are my life. An expression of my husband and me, in love and with purpose to raise up the next generation. And I chose to be a part of their every step, every joy, every sorrow, every hope, every rejection, every dream, and every hardship. Hand in hand I walked with them, I talked with them, I gave them life to hold onto and believe in.

If you choose to work, that is your choice.

But don’t diminish or belittle my choice to stay home with my children and raise them. If you are all about women’s rights, then why do you exclude the mother’s rights to stay home with her children, as if it had no value? Don’t shame me or tell me I am a weak woman for raising my children. On the contrary, it takes great strength to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without breaks or vacations. It takes great strength to educate your children and teach them integrity and honesty and inclusion of all people.

Some of the most outspoken people I know about discrimination, stand for equality for all… except if you are a stay at home mom. Then there is no equality, because, woman who stay home are “weak and foolish.” It such an ignorant mindset to think that women, who exercise their right to raise their own children are not intelligent. In fact, women who choose to stay home with their children are some to the most intelligent women I know, for many reasons. The biggest reason is that they are investing into the future of our city, state, country and world. They understand the big picture and sow into the lives of others, so that we can change the epidemics in this world that destroy lives.

So, the next time you think about excluded or diminishing the life of a mother, who chose to stay home and raise their children… perhaps you should do some research on how different those children are from those who were raised by society. Perhaps you should take some time and learn how to value others, who aren’t like you, and learn the value of those of us who gave up our childhood dreams for a new dream that invests in the future.

Motherhood is the greatest gift a women can receive, and actively participating in that gift is an epic adventure that shifts the atmosphere to bring new ideas and discovers that were never indoctrinated into the minds of their children. It creates open mindedness and creative thinking in ways that could never have been acquired had they sat in rooms being force fed the same agenda as every other child next to them. Motherhood is the flame that lights the fuse and watches it slowly move to the inner most parts of their child, until it explodes into purpose and calling for their lives.

I am so grateful I had the opportunity and choice to stay home with my children and be called “Mama.”

My job is done, mostly. My children are adults, married and about to graduate high school. I will no longer have minor children in my home. My job, as an active participator in their lives is over. Now I sit on the sidelines, as a coach, watching them play the game of life, and yell from the sidelines advice I have still to give as they navigate adulthood.

I will always be an advocate for mothers to stay home, it is a dying profession, which is causing a major negative impact on our society. I hope to encourage and value women who are considering or are already staying home with their children. And I will always speak out against women who belittle and exclude the beautiful calling of motherhood.

Legacy

It has been said that there is at least one person in our lives who inspires us, who challenge us, who mentor us to be the people we turn out to be. Most of the time it is in the tender places of our childhood, where our roots are shallow and tender. Other times it is well into adulthood when our solid oaks of who we are are transformed by a wack to the trunk and we are no longer the tree we thought we were. I have seen with my own eyes, lives shaped, changed, transformed by this journey of life. Some things so beautifully intententional, others devestating to the soul.

I have been hiding from life these days. Wondering at the place I am. Looking at the faces of my children, who are looking like men and a little woman. There are no toys on my floors, no cartoons to watch and no car seats to buckle in. I wonder if I will be that person who inspires my children. I wonder I will be the one who gave my kids the emotional and spiritual strength in who they are becoming. It is hard to be in this place. I can no longer hide our struggles from them. They know when there is no money and when we go to the food bank, or pretend to go camping in the backyard. They know that when their parents argue it is over the weight of not knowing how or when things are going to change. I watch their faces and hear them laugh and see them cry. I know they carry some of the burden and I want to take it from them. Mostly, I  feel blessed that they are near me, safe and protected.

I think to the time when I was young. I was always so passionate, full of life and adventure. By the time I was 10, I wanted to be the first woman astronaught in space. By the time I was 12, I wanted to be the first female president. By the time I was 13, I wanted to be in the Olympics and break the world record for speed. By the time I was 14, I wanted to start my own business. By t he time I was 15, I wanted to be a business woman, who made millions of dollars. By the time I was 16, I was in love and didn't really care about much of anything. By the time I was 17, I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. By the time I was 18, I wanted to travel the world. By the time I was 19, I met a man, God told me was my husband. By the time I was 20, I was married. When the ring was put on my finger and I said, I do, I no longer had personal ambitions and dreams, I now had married ambitions and dreams. By the time I was 21, I had my first son and that began my journey of motherhood. I did not ever go on the adventures I had planned...just a different adventure.

Motherhood. I don't believe that was in my list... Wait. Did I know how to be a mom, could I be a good mom? The quest of determining what we were to do with parenthood, became the topic of most of my husband and my conversations. Would I be a mom, just a mom? No career, no path, no dream, just mom? Yes, I could go down that path. I could take one step at a time. I could feed and love and care for this little one. Then the next little one, then the next. I navigated through some deep waters with much prayer and trust in my Savior. I took one step at a time and fell and soared and tripped and ran. I was a mom. I am a mom.

I am watching my own mother navigate through her thoughts and assessing her life as she battles this wicked disease. I see her fight for what she desires and believes to be true. I have listened to her stories and seen the books she filled her soul and spirit with. I have watched her read the Bible and talk about seeing Jesus. I listen to her tell me about all the fond memories she has of her 4 children and the things we did. My mom was a career mom. She worked long hours and was mom when she could. She struggled to be the stay at home mom she wanted to be in the short hours she had with us, when she was not working. It was in the hours she was working were most of my bad memories come in. I believe that is why I had a hard time with my mom. She does not know or remember or was even a part of those times. Part of me holds her responsible for not being there for me when I needed her to be; and part of me understands why she was not there. I feel like the Lord has given me a gift in helping me to understand why my mom sees things so differently than me. This gift has given me grace and love for my mom that I have not had before. There are still many things we do not agree on, but I am willing to give them to God for His care.

And so, I think about my life and who has inspired me. Who has made an impact on my life? There are so many people who have gently nudged or shoved or even carried me down this river of life. My mom is one of those people who gave me gifts along the way, who I in turn hope to give to my children.

The word legacy comes to mind. It is not just an idea, but a treasury of people and things that make up who we are today. The books on my shelf, the cookie cutters in my drawer, the tea cup in my cabinet, the doll in the cradle, the candlesticks on my mantel.... have given me a legacy that I can pass down to my kids. Each item, each story, each person who impacted me, will also shape my children. It is with that hope that I believe I can and will be that person who inspires my kids. Because in reality it is not really just me who is inspiring and shaping them, but all the people who helped me be who I am today.