Collision Course

June 24, 2011


The roads converging…bracing myself. It is no wonder my chest tightens with anxiety. I feel as if my skin is crawling… Respite Lord, that is what we need. Will this never end? I think, “What are we doing wrong? What could we do better? What did we miss? It is as if one bomb after another after another explodes. Is it just me? How many other people are experiencing this mayhem of the soul? How many other people are tormented by the past and fear the future?

I feel the rumbling of the present coming near to me. All at once the present circumstances and realities are converging right now, right at this moment. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! All I want to do is scream! I have no control, no way of changing the outcome. It is. Just a present time.

I was told today that I have to respect my parent’s wishes, even if it means no more doctors, no more alternative treatments, no more of anything. All my parents want is the hope of healing or the reality of death. That went right to the heart with a sharp piercing pain I was not ready to behold.

I was also told today that my other parents (Bill’s parents) sold their house, that they have lived in for 40 years. They have not bought another house and are staying in their motor home until they buy one. My husband fell into depression instantly when he heard his dad in the background say there was a lien on the house due to our restaurant failure. My heart felt heavy with burden and anxiety at the thought that my lost dream has not only cost us 100’s of 1000 dollars, but also my in-laws!

My children are growing and sharing their disapproval of our current financial situation. My husband said he felt betrayed, trusting God in all things and the end result total destruction. His heart stopped all dreams in this moment tonight. I do not know what just happen, all I know is that in this place of feeling like he let his parents down, AGAIN, something changed in my husband. I do not know how it will manifest. I only know my husband is broken, crumbled on the floor, beat down. I want to hold him and help him, but I am on the floor besides him in a very similar state.

Every little morsel of joy is savored and cherished. I hold onto my kids with a tenacity that will not end. Reminding them that this too shall pass…only I barely believe this myself. Holding on to my little mustard seed of faith, my body aches with anxiety. It is revolting in response to the roads colliding. It feels as if shrapnel from the collision and explosion have entered my body… and I know there are more collisions to come. Help my Lord, Help me!

Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick , but a dream fulfilled is the tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
Please Lord, redeem, restore, rebuild. Please Lord... come and rescure us from this hardship!