Weight Inside

I woke up yesterday morning at 9:00am; I didn’t want to get up; I was snuggling close to my baby girl. I crawled out of bed, dreading the first day of this journey. My heart pounding out of my chest, feeling purposeless, feeling angry and agitated, I got up and started to run. I ran to my neighbors house, walked a mile with her and ran back home; 2 miles in all.


I ate every 2 hours, Cheerios, protein shake, grape tomatoes, salad, strawberries, homemade corn tortilla, hummus and pasta and a cookie my daughter made.

I wanted to work out more. I wanted to do a workout video and weights, but the weight of life was too much. I felt angry and frustrated. I told my husband that is was time to move, time to move on. We have been in Fresno almost 11 years now and I am done. I am ready for change, ready for something to move.

Tears swell in my eyes as I feel the angry rise up inside of me. I am swelling with rage on behalf of my son, who has endured too much hardship. Too many times has he been belittled and beat down and overlooked. He asked me tonight, “Am I invisible mom?” Another award ceremony and he did not receive one. The kids that did do not have the stats or the college recognition that he does, yet, the coach, passed him by. I wanted to cuss the coach out and tell him to take his Napoleon complex to another school. I wanted to tell him that he is responsible for building these kids up, not tearing them down. He gave MVP to a player that was most definitely not MVP, and the kid who should have received it, sat quietly next to my son and said nothing. He too receives letters and visits from coaches. I wonder at how this could even be happening.

I came home and wanted to eat ice cream. Luckily we did not have ice cream. I thought, “Do I usually eat when I am pissed off and angry?” I quickly made tea. The flavor, Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride by Celestial, no sugar is necessary, and I sat next to my hurting son and sipped quietly. Both Bill and I gave him parental talks that usually include people like Tim Tebow and Ray Lewis in the examples of overcoming adversity. Bill told him, it is better to receive nothing in high school and play in college and the NFL, than to receive all the awards and never play again after high school. I went to bed scrolling through my phone for jobs outside of Fresno. Day 1 complete.

This morning, as I write, reflecting on my first day of working out and eating, I am trying to see how my emotions tie in with my weight, or if they do at all. I have determined that I feel burdened, lost and disillusioned. I feel irritated at the notion of hope and can’t see the future.

Day 2… I have not worked out yet. It is 9:30am. My daughter is home sick. I have been at the High School since 8am meeting with Elijah’s counselor. She blessed me. She spoke life into my son. I left him there, her hands, thankful I could trust her. I drove home and sat down at the computer. I have been writing for 30 minutes, my day is about to begin…