See Through...

I have lived a very transparent life. I believe that by doing so, it alleviates unnecessary pain. By showing the world my deepest and darkest places, there is really nothing that people can “find” on me that would destroy some false image I have created. I find it to be both extremely liberating and fundamentally challenging to live this way, but freedom has been the fruit of this lifestyle.


Yet, there is a dark gloomy shadow that hovers over me. In my most vulnerable state, I have still had to hide one painful truth; I am overweight. It is evident to the naked eye that I carry excess baggage, but in my attempt to heal from deep pain, I have learned to be comfortable in that excess. I have learned to love myself and have grown to have a positive self image. Years of unsuccessful attempts at weight loss have taught me that beauty lies within, yet, I am trapped in this flesh suit that I cannot escape from and it is affecting my health.

I have, through much prayer and many years decided to make my weight loss struggle public. To share the successes and failures of my journey. My goal is to blog daily and share the journey with you. I am hoping that this will help me to process why I have not been able to lose the weight, after years of trying. I will share whatever the Lord reveals, any issues I find along the way and emotions I encounter along this journey.

I begin today.

Today I am making goals, making charts and scheduling time for workouts. I will document all the food I eat and what time and what workouts I do. I will also be taking photos along the way.

My start weight is 248 pounds. The heaviest I have ever been. I have weighed 235 for the last 15 years and in the last year I have gained 13 pounds; a pound a month. I have also been diagnosed with high blood pressure, which, I am sure is attributed to stress and trauma as well as weight, and want it to be normal. I am not sure what my cholesterol and blood sugar look like, I am getting a blood test down next week.

My cardiologist suggested lap band surgery. I was mortified and freaked out all at once. What? How could I be a candidate for a surgery like that? I am, however, 100 pounds overweight and that is considered enough to warrant the surgery. I have decided to commit to 6 months of intensive workouts and lower my calorie intake to 1500 a day. This is not the first time I have done this. In fact, I have accomplished many things in my weight loss journey over the last 15 years; a triathlon, The Wharf to Wharf- 6K, training to run a marathon maxing out at 12 miles and limiting my calorie intake to 1500 a day. Each time I set my mind to a goal, I accomplished it and each one took a commitment of over 6 months and each time I attempted such a feat, I only lost a maximum of 4 pounds.

So I have become apathetic, discouraged and even angry at the results. I have had my thyroid tested, and other possible reasons as to why my body has not responded to my attempts to lose weight. Nothing was found.

So I told the Lord, I will do this for 6 months and nothing changes, then I may have to consider some medical help. I want to do this without medical intervention. So please pray that my body reflects who God created me to be and to respond to my attempts.