Reoccuring Denial

My heart grieves… its turns inside my chest like a ball spinning on an axis.

My heart longs for truth, for peace for joy, yet it eludes me so many times.

 

I am faced again with the reality that I am, in fact, a threat to those who cannot or will not embrace who I am in Christ.

It is hard for me. I am perceived as strong, intense, bold, passionate; so have a stone cold heart. The authentic beating of my heart tells another story. The blood pumping with a fierce determination to show people the love of Jesus in a way that is not conventional to our “traditional churches” fuels me to overcome the pain of rejection, slander, gossip and attack.

I am a human being. I have emotions and tears like you. I am broken like you. I am scared at times, like you. I get sad and depressed and angry, like you.

BUT….

All those human elements are covered in the love and grace of Jesus Christ and despite my best intent, are hard for others to see. It leaves me open and vulnerable to people who are afraid of me because I move in the Spirit of God. They are threatened by my lack of concern for schedules and processes and images. I am slimed in the process with filth that comes out of the mouths of those who are not comfortable with who THEY are in Christ.

 

My heart, protected by the hand of God, feels His presence and am I thankful for His covering. I am finally at the crossroad I had hope to come upon so many years ago.

 In one direction there is the easy way. The way where I fit into religious culture, climb up the church ladder and make my mark on society.

 There is the hard way. They way where I try to do everything myself. Striving to be a woman who makes a difference with all my great ideas and intentions.

Then there is the way that is unknown. The way where God determines. Where God says. Where God plans. It does not guarantee me an easy or comfortable life. It does not spare me from pain or hardship. It does promise me a full life. It promises me peace. I promises me joy beyond measure.

I sit here and ponder. I know which road I will take, but I brace myself for the backlash that follows.

 

 

I was mistreated recently by women who had great intentions. They reprimanded me and shamed me and told me to not be me, before I even opened my mouth. I did not know these women. They had come up with an assumption about me, based on some information that came from someone else. They used the gossip and slander as a means of “factual” information and went on a rampage of shunning and shaming me, while I was in their presence.

In steps my Father. Peace fills my heart. It was beating to the rhythm of His love and I was in His perfect rest. FINALLY!!! I had reached a place of rest in the midst of abusive authority. I loved them, I prayed for them, I blessed them. Tears filled my eyes on occasion, but I turned them into prayers to change the atmosphere for which I was a part of. The Lord was faithful. Moved through me to change the atmosphere into a place of hope and joy. The religious spirit began to break and started to crumble. I was able to move in quiet obedience around the controlling beast that hovered.

As a result, it moved onto more innocent prey. One who does not know how to discern such oppression. Someone similar to me, but young and wild and untempered. Heart broken, I grieved. I grieved deeply.

I learned how to lament over such sorrow. I learned how to embrace the pain with grace and love. I did not draw my sword, I did not grab my tools. Instead I showered each hurtful word with an act of kindness and love. I covered each lie with truth and I sorted through each prideful act with humble reflection.

 

I feel disheveled and exhausted, but accomplished as well. I felt the Lord so strong and just rested in His presence with calm and peaceful slumber. Something in me has changed… and I am so thankful to be renewed by the hand of God.

May we all be able to face the hurt and pain, knowing God will intercept the blow for us, and we can just sit quietly beside Him as He fights our battles. May we all have enough courage to speak when necessary and be silent when it is time. May we all be aware of the mighty presence of God and be willing to submit to His will and not our own. And may we learn to rest in His peace, knowing He has us in the palm of His hand when chaos occurs.

 

This experience has opened a new door for me... a new perspective....something you will see in my future blogs...