Feeling sad, depressed and overwhelmed....
Wondering how I, a woman of God, can have such emotions... and the best part is the cussing... Whew have some of those been flying out of my mouth? Well yes Mrs. Beukers, they have...

Someone recently told me that I am not the same as when they met me. When I asked her about the changes she said that I am not so happy go lucky anymore. That I am not a ball of sunshine ready to give to everyone I meet, but rather sad and tainted and half empty.  A huge sigh released from my lips as I realized that not only was that true, it was something I myself had been pondering.

Where did she go, this fun woman? How do I get her back? Its like trying to do sancranized swimming to beautiful music, but forgetting how to swim... I forgot what it is like. I have had so much loss and hardship that I am permenately disfigured from the trauma.

Yet, it is not as though I have never experienced trauma or pain or trial. My entire life as a child taught me how to be positive and happy in the midst of pain and trauma. I learned how to find something to focus on that was positive or funny and that is how I survived. Disney was my something for most of my life and still the songs and movies bring joy to my heart. Something is not right now, something is missing in me. I can not tell you what it is, but it is as if my brain patterns were somehow altered and I forgot who I was.

This RAW life I try to live is a lot harder when you are not the happy go luck person you once were. It is harder to be real and authentic and uncensored. The vulnerability does not help my cause, it weakens it, yet I am constantly encouraged to go there.

I feel as though people expect me to be a certain way and I am not meeting thier expectations, even though I am no longer the woman I once was. I am wounded and grieved and hurting. I feel exposed and abused and taken advantage of. I am nervouse and anxious and fearful. I feel angry and betrayed and lack trust.

Where did this woman come from?

I lay her stripped down to the rawest form of myself. Ugly, hateful, miserable. I am exposed! I cry to the Lord and ask him to cover me with His grace, with His mercy, so that I can hide beneath His goodness. I am tired and full of pain. I want to go back to the time where things made sense and were methodically planned out. I want to be the mom that spent hours doing nothing but playing games and puzzles and reading books. I want my kids to stop growing.

I do not know how to be a mom of a teenager. I treat them like they are still 5 and 3 and hold them as tight as I can... but the Lord is pulling my hands off of them and I have to trust Him with them. I have to believe He is who He says He is... and that is the core of it all... Is He?

Is He the God who saves, the God who delivers us and provides for us? I have all these expectations of God based on what I have read in Scripture and was recently told that I feel entitled. I had to think about that. Am I someone who feels entitled? Yes I am. I do feel entitled... I am the daughter of the King of kings afterall.... is that wrong?

I read Psalm 138 this morning and verse 8 hit me between the eyes..."The Lord will perfect that which concerns me..." That which concerns me? He will perfect or complete that which concerns me? Not what concerns him, but what concerns me... What concerns me? What things are about me or in regards to me? My family? Life, long life without disease or sickness; my kids protection and well being and dreams; my husband, being married to him until death parts us; and death, not wanting to die young, but living a long, prosperous, healthy life. He will complete those things? He will perfect those concerns? Wow...

Am I misinterpreting? Is my God sincerly concerned with fears and desires. The very things that have transfigured me? Maybe this transfiguring is a good thing. Maybe my heart was deformed and through all of this He is perfecting it by transfiguring the deformity to perfect... Maybe I just need to change my perspective.

What do you think?