Not easily shaken

Many people comment on the life my husband and I live. There is a certain uncertainty of our life. An immenent discomfort in the road we walk on, for us and those who witness the experience of life we live. I have recently been commended for the way in which I walk. In the past I would have relished in such praise. However, today, in my state of complete and total brokeness, I feel it undeserved and wonder at the reason why a person would say such a thing.




It made me recalculate my steps, ponder at the words I have said, to give off such a notion of commendation.



I was crying out to the Lord tonight with so much heaviness, that I could barely comprehend the nature of what I was trying to say. Tears run down my cheeks and my eyes fog with the evidence of feeling less than.



I don't know what to do. Both Bill and I have thrown our hands up in the air and said, "We give up!" Neither of us has anything left. We do not know if we should turn right or left, go forward or backward, or just stay where we are. For fear of making the wrong turn, we sit here and wait. Waiting for something. Some sign, a phone call from one of the hundreds of jobs Bill has applied for. We are waiting for divine intervention of some sort. I sometimes feel like I am living in a fairytale land, hoping for my knight and shining armor to come and save the day. Then reality hits and He doesn't come. I am gleaning from the people around me, thankful for their generosity and compassion. Full of uncertainty and fighting hopelessness and depression, causes my body to ache. I sigh a deep sigh, as if to decompress the tension in my mind.



Yet the ground I stand on does not move. It is solid and as a result, we are not easily shaken. There are tremors all around us. Things crashing to the ground. Governments being infiltrated with coruption, churches selling out to the American way of life, families being crushed by materialism, lust and seduction... we feel the vibration of the enviroment, yet we continue to stand. And stand is all that we can do. It is all we have. When you have done all that you can... stand. (Ephesians 6) It becomes tiresome and our legs shake with exhaustion, but the Lord supernaturally sustains us, in ways that seem like a fairy tale. I wanted the happily ever after version of the story; the partic where there is no pain, just romantic bliss, instead of the reality part of the story. I know it sounds somewhat foolish and childlike, but part of me believed this was the life you got from following Jesus Christ. I am beginning to realize that happily ever after is meant only for eternity... Here, on this earth, we are just strangers, passion through, making the story full of adventure and suspense. We are in the part of the story that sucks... You know the part where Snow White runs for her life; or the part where Cinderella is servant in her own home; or the part where Sleeping Beauty is an orphan and has no understanding of her identity. That is us, now, on this earth. We are traveling in this life on our way to "Ever After." The end of the fairy tale story hapens when we leave this earth and embrace our first love, Jesus Christ. It is here that tears will no longer fall from my face.



But today, they fall, with unrelenting truth, they fall. They are, even now, as I type these words. So many emotions and questions and hurts that are left unanswered and undone. My heart is exposed... Cold water, canned food, no laundry detergent, no dishwashing detergent, no gas, no luxuries, not enough money to make it. Yet the Lord gives. He provides these little luxuries that we Americans are accustomed to and we are grateful. We can not pay rent, yet the Lord provides in ways that I did not expect or ask for. Every day I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time... to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. (Matthew 6:34). I cry out to my Father in heaven, sometimes without words, only tears and sorrow. I pray in a way that seems pathetic, as I try to formulate words to say that express my deepest expression and cannot do so. The tears are not just for the lack we are experiencing, there is so much more. It is for the loss of our dream. It is for the loss of our reality, as we knew it. It is for the loss of loved ones, who have moved on to eternity or moved on in this life. It is for the lack we are experiencing in our souls-the holy undoing of ourselves. It is for the loss of hope we once had. It is for the pure pain of not knowing what to do....



And so I sit, waiting, quietly anticipating a BIG thing... a miracle. And not just for me and my family.... but for so many other people who are crying out, who are broken and waiting. Who are expecting their knight in shining armor to come and rescue them from this broken world. There is an eager anticipation, that is surrounded by caution. It is my way of protecting myself from making God my genie that does what I say, when I say; yet anticipates the promises that God has for me, in faith, without waivering... it is a delicate balance, that I strive to perfect. Standing on the rock of Jesus... not looking back, not looking forward; just closing my eyes and waiting for my Savior to say, "Come this way, follow me and I will show you the way." Until then, I will stand, not easily shaken.