A Clearing....

Computer broke, so I am coming at you from an ipod... One thumb typing away!

For years life has been a blur and we have been in a fog! We have faithfully walked by faith, blinded by what was in front of of us or around us. We have stumbled, we have wandered and we have just sat still! All the while waiting for some sort of clearing or lifting to occur! 

Today, when I woke up and sent my hubby and boys off to a football camp, I realized that the fog was getting lighter and the sun was pushing its way through! I could see! I see the road ahead of us! I know which way we are going! 

Bill is starting a Bible Study for the football players after practice; I am doing a Bible study with some girls from WU; Elijah will be a Senior and is so focused and committed I am in awe! He is about 2 months from getting his license and is becoming an amazing young man! Noah is starting his Freshman year at WU and is playing football. He has overcome soooooo much with his dyslexia that he got a 3.53 GPA! Carah is cheering this year and will be really focusing on her acting dream. I will be homeschooling her this year to be available to drive her to LA for auditions. We will also put her in a league track group so she continue to work on her high jump! 

Bill is starting a new business and I am going to the Biggest Loser (well in my mind anyway). I will be doing the Biggest Loser diet and exercise at home and blogging about my daily experiences.

We are still church planting here in Easton, just letting it happen organically! Trusting Gods timing and grace! Still experiencing some persecution from "religious" leaders... But feel blessed for God's protection. He is hiding us and I am grateful!

Thanks for your continued support and prayers! 

Worship

What does that mean exactly? I grew up going to church and first we had worship and then the announcements and then the sermon. Worship, to me, was songs you sang at church. I wanted to be a worship leader one day, because I loved to sing the songs that were sung in church and it was the closest I felt to God.

When I was 18 years old, I decided that I was no longer going to go to church and research other religions to be sure this religion I was raised with was the truth. I was in love with a young man who was Mormon and I wanted to know what the difference was between his religion and mine. That led to a year long journey of self discovery and intellectual awareness of other religions. I read for hours and prayed to this all knowing, all powerful being, asking for his/her direction to the truth. My young and wild heart ached to know if there was, in fact, a reason for my worship; if this God was even worthy of being worshipped. I was intelligent enough to know that we did not evolve from some cosmic chaos, but that there was an infinite creator who had brought this world into existence. I just did not know which avenue of faith was the truth about this creator.

By the time I was nineteen, I had studied many religions, but realized that the truth was the God of the Bible. That Jesus was, in fact, the Savior of this world and this was a religion of love and truth, not condemnation and hate. (Although, some Christians preach that...even though it is not truth). I had to wrap my mind around what worshipping this God meant. What did it look like. How was I supposed to do it? 

It wasn't until recently that I have come to a pure and truthful understanding of what true worship is...

We were recently invited to attend a prophetic worship conference. My entire family went to experience whatever it was that God would have for us. Within 5 minutes it was easy to discern that this was an event that was meant to evoke emotion in the human psyche that fed the soul and tricked the mind into believing that there was some secret way to “tap” into the heavenlies to experience God. The worship leader was instruction people what to do and how to “let go” to experience the fullness of God. I looked around the room and everyone was swaying and moving their arms around to “experience” God in a way that could only happen in this way.

I looked over at my kids. My daughter, who can easily discern the atmosphere, was angry, she said, “This is boring mama.” My boys were chuckling at the theatrics of it all. My oldest, who is black and white with no gray said, “I DO NOT WORSHIP LIKE THIS!” and with conviction stood against the wall with his arms crossed. My middle son, who is sensitive to the spirit of God, was quiet and observed the crowd, carefully taking it in, trying to determine the heart of it. My husband in persistent prayer, waiting to see if something was going to change. I was pissed, like my son, at the abuse of leadership, in their manufactured “experience” of worship.

We left. The kids were so thankful. We talked for almost an hour about what true worship is. We talked in depth about different expressions of worship, different genres of worship, and different perspectives of worship. We talked about how people worshiped God in the Bible. What “sacrifice of praise” means.

Worship is expressed in ways that cannot be controlled or taught or manufactured. It is expressed in the way we live. In how we see the world, in how we respond to adversity. It is expressed in the pain and the joy, the love and hate. It is demonstrated in ways that we sometimes miss.

We worship God when we are walking and notice something beautiful in nature, and stop to delight in the wonder of it. We worship God when we are thankful for our children and cherish their little intricacies. We worship God when we anger overtakes us at the injustice of this world. We worship God with the tears that fall down our faces when we lose someone we love. We worship God in the sports we play, when we give our all and depend on the gifts he gave us. We worship God in the jobs we go to; when we do things we do not want to do and suffer at the hand of our authorities. We even worship God in the raising our fists to him with explicit words flying towards the heavens in rage, because there is an intimacy there that the Lord desires to have with us. In all of our range of emotions and experiences, the fact that we include this Creator, this God, and our Jesus into our everyday lives is a form of worship that is often overlooked.

Yes, singing about the goodness of God is a form of worship. It is a way to express our gratitude and love in song with music. But it is only one form of expression. I am learning how to soak in His goodness, delight in his acceptance of my sinful being; appreciate the blessings, praise Him in the trial; fall in His presence, surrender into his arms. This is worship.

The worship we experience in church is just a type of worship. It is like writing a love letter to the one you love; or a love song. It is a memoir, if you will, a record of the great and marvelous things that our Lord has done. It is a poetic utterance of gratitude and love for this Creator, who gave us life.

I wonder...

I wonder...

What Joseph went through as he sat in a jail cell completely forgotten. I wonder if he ever lost hope or suffered from depression or felt completely and totally alone. I wonder if, even in his provision and favor felt as if he was a crazy person. I wonder if he dreamt about the day when he was released and what he would do or say. I wonder how many times he questioned God. How many times had conversations with God about the unfair predicament of his situation?

I wonder…

So many times when we think about people in the Bible we picture super-human beings who were able to smile and wave through all their struggles while singing praises and thanking God for all their circumstances. They were human like us. They probably cussed a few times, doubted, worried, feared, questioned and even sinned. The people we read about in the Bible struggled with their callings, their families, and their flesh. Yet God still used them.

I see that happen a lot in the Christian culture. This façade of “perfect” that one thinks must be portrayed to be a true “Christian.” I often think of how sad a life that must be; to pretend to be someone you’re not to try to reflect Jesus, who died to purify us. There is no perfect on this earth. There is only imperfect. That is why Jesus is coming back to get us, that is why God is destroying this current earth and creating a new heaven and a new earth.

I wonder…

Why this life I live is hard. Why, no matter how many jobs we apply for, none come our way. I told my husband today, maybe you should apply for jobs you are not qualified for, instead of the jobs you are qualified for and see if you get a job that way. Cuz you are sure not getting a job applying for jobs you are qualified for. Five years we have been doing this… FIVE!!! My nerves are fraying. My hope is holding on. I am undone. I mean completely unraveling. I have no control of my life and it is causing me to break.

I wonder…

How much more of me can break? I am already broken, already undone, already shaken. I have to keep reminding myself that a broken life with Jesus is better than a whole life without Him. My body is revolting and I feel out of alignment. I don’t know where to go, what to do, how to get there. Everywhere we turn doors close. Even in areas where we hear the Lord say go, SLAM! The door closes with a force that pushes me back.

I wonder…

Is it just me or are other people feeling agitated at the current state of our church and state and country. I see an expression of Jesus that I think is manufactured and it irritates me. I see people being turned away from the truth because they are not holy enough or righteous enough or clean enough. I see churches blame groups of people for the reason there is violence or injustice. I want to change it, but feel paralyzed on how to.

I wonder…

If this weight will ever come off of my body. Will I really be able to be successful if I got picked to go to Biggest Loser? What about my kids? Could I really leave them for 6 months at the most important time of their lives? Elijah’s last year in high school, Noah’s first year in high school and Carah a Jr. Higher. Would I be able to withstand the loneliness of not being around my most important support system? Would I break some more? Would I be able to handle the fact that I am doing something for myself and not for my family?

I wonder…

Why people feel threatened by our hearts desire to want to help the youth. I wonder why people in the Christian community find it necessary to invalidate who we are with rumors and lies and stir up trouble amongst our Christian family. Do we really scare you? Are we really intimidating? What is it about us that scare you from my raw authentic approach to life? Or is it that you are scared someone will require you to be the same and you don’t want to take the mask off. Is it really necessary to us abusive tactics to get people in the church to follow you? How about just show the love of Jesus? How about that!!! Maybe then the church would grow!! And youth would be knocking down your door!!!

I wonder…

How much more of this the Lord will require of us to take. I hope it is not too much longer. I hope!!! I have a lot of things I want to do and see and experience with my kids… they are almost grown and gone... Please Lord, hear our prayer; hear our cries; hear our thoughts. We need some breakthrough. Will it come soon?

I wonder…

Would love your input...

Germany	95
Russia	63
South Korea	3
United Kingdom	2
Kazakhstan	1

These are all the countries that have people living there that have read my blog...

I would love that, if you are reading this now, could leave a comment for me about why you read my blog, how you found it and/or if it has impacted you at all... 

I am intrigued that so many people from other countries read my blog and would love to hear from you!

Thank you!

Intensity

Intense

in•ten•si•ty (ɪnˈtɛn sɪ ti)

n., pl. -ties.

1. the quality or condition of being intense.

2. great energy, strength, concentration, or vehemence, as of activity.

3. a high or extreme degree, as of cold or heat.

4. the degree or extent to which something is intense.

5. a high degree of emotional excitement; depth of feeling.

6. the strength or sharpness of a color due esp. to its degree of freedom from admixture with its complementary color.

7. Physics. magnitude, as of energy or a force per unit of area, volume, time, etc.

A word used to describe me. A word I use to describe myself.

I see it at a compliment, but have discovered that in most cases, it is not.

I had to seriously pray about this continual attack of my character… I became angry and frustrated at the notion that, number 1, people think that they have a right to condemn the way God created me and number 2, people consider intensity as “intimidating, aggressive and what was the other word used… non-submissive.” So you can imagine, as an intense, raw, bold person I had a very long conversation with the Lord and some of my closest sisters in Christ.

This morning, after a long night of no sleep, I began to pray again and the most amazing thing happened… clarity and peace shed light on the subject.

When you are a survivor of divorce, an attempted kidnapping, sexual abuse, attempted rape, verbal abuse, physical abuse, demonic attack, church abuse and minister to people who have experienced ritualistic abuse, sex slavery, satanic abuse, spousal abuse, adultery, extreme bullying, and the aftermath of abortion… you kinda become intense…

The people, who abused me, did so by hiding, sneaking, intimidating and threatening… so when people hide behind religion and churchianity and control...intensity naturally rises up inside me. This kind of behavior gives me all kinds of red flags. I do not want to be associated with the kind of people who hide behind religion to abuse people. People who hide their true identities are cowards and I want no part of that kind of life! My intensity comes from persistently pursuing a life of blamelessness, so that I will not be likened to the condemning “Churchianity Christians.”

I am intense…but it is only an attribute of who I am. It is not WHO I am. When I feel like the church, who is supposed to give life and freedom through Christ, brings condemnation and control to the masses, I get a little intense.

Jesus was intense. I know a lot of people don’t see that Jesus. I know that Jesus is not taught in the church; it was His intensity that angered the Pharisees. It was His intensity that raised Lazarus from the dead. It was His intensity that caused blood to seep through his pores in the garden of Gethsemane. It was His intensity that made a whip, flipped tables and pushed people out of the temple. Jesus was intense. His intensity was viewed as dangerous and aggressive to those who could not control him. His intensity was considered blasphemous to the religious leaders and they were threatened by His passion to change the world.

Bill and I have been charged with similar “crimes.” We have been accused of being intimidating and “taking over” and not doing what “pastors” say. When in reality, we are passionately obeying God in areas that are unconventional or outside the comfort zone of the complacency of the church. We have been accused of “hurting people’s feelings” because we spoke the truth about the church. When in fact, we did not hurt feelings, the TRUTH hurt feelings. People do not want to be challenged in their faith. Even with monumental evidence that the Christian church is slowly dying in this country, Christians do not want to be held accountable for their complacent faith.

I “intensely” advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves or are afraid to advocate for themselves… Martin Luther was intense. Rosa Parks was intense. Martin Luther King Jr. was intense. Caesar Chavez was intense. Mother Teresa was intense. Their intensity changed the face of this planet. They all suffered as a result of their intense conviction of truth in the face of religious and political persecution. They advocated for people, stood in the face of slander, and ultimately suffered for their boldness.

My sister in Christ shared, “Jesus said, ‘we are to share in his sufferings.’ So you have to know, Teresa that you are going to suffer. But in the end, if you do the will of your father, you will be blessed.”

 Jesus was not only intense, he was also kind, compassionate, loving, convicting, forgiving, life giving, truthful, inclusive, world changing.

I am not just intense. I am so much more…

But if you only see me as intense, aggressive, intimidating, and loud…

Chances are you are threatened by the TRUTH that I express through living a transparent life.

Chances are you are fearful of my raw and authentic approach to life, that lets people into the deepest places of my heart, because you hide the deepest places of yours for fear that people might see who you really are and not like it.

Chances are you afraid of the world changer DNA that is inside of me, because it means that what you are comfortable in will be challenged or changed.

Here’s the deal… There really is no middle ground. You either love me or hate me. I am okay with that. That is how God made me. That is who I am. There is a reason why prophets of old were killed. Once they delivered the message of God that was not pleasant, they wanted someone to suffer for making them feel uncomfortable, or for hurting their feelings; usually it was the messenger. You know… “Don’t kill the messenger” or “I am just the messenger” comes from the prophets who delivered unpleasant messages to people and then suffered as a result of the message.

You may not like what I have to say; you may not like my unconventional ways; you may not like the delivery; you may not like my intensity; you may not like my honest, brutal, authentic approach to life. But here’s the deal… before you slander me, gossip about me, make assumptions about me and reprimand me about who I am in Christ… YOU HAD BETTER HAVE SOME HARD CORE BIBLICAL TRUTHS TO BACK YOUR ACCUSATIONS! I really don’t care about your religious opinions… I only care about pleasing and serving my Jesus… NO MATTER THE COST! And believe me... the cost is great! Just read my blog.

This in no way means that I am perfect or without fault. It just means that my imperfections and faults will be publicly expressed in verbal or written form, to share with the world that we have an opportunity to live blameless lives through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I try to share my faults, shortcomings, fears, failures, joys, accomplishments and love with the masses through writing in a very raw way to encourage others to do the same. My hope is that the more people who have nothing to hide, the more healing can take place. The more healing that takes place, the more whole people become. The more whole people become, the more effective they are. The more effective people are, the more a community benefits. The more a community benefits, the more people will feel loved. And the more people feel loved, the better the world becomes…and the safer people feel about being real.

If I offend you… perhaps the Lord is trying to challenge your identity. Perhaps the Lord wants you to determine why you are being offended by someone who delights in being raw, authentic, intense and passionate…

I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed of who God created me to be. I am comfortable in my own skin and thankful that God has delivered me from the bondage of trying to be something I am not to please others… I exist to please God! Not YOU! This statement only makes religious people feel uncomfortable… not broken, hurting, real, authentic people.

I had a conversation with myself about people’s opinion of me… turns out I am okay with who I am in Christ.

The Overlooked Harvest...

In the deep crevices of society, young adults live. They are not looked at by society of people who have much value. Rather they are viewed as dependent  wild, reckless, immature, lacking wisdom, irresponsible. They gather together to find comfort or purpose amongst themselves. Some of these misfits find their purpose in things that society praises, while most are looked down upon as rebellious clowns who suck the life out of our society. The athletes are praised, the academic achiever honored, the musician patted on the back. Yet they are still a reclusive group, given very little tools to succeed and condemned when they don’t.

I see this group of misfits and I love them. I love their wild and reckless hearts, love the risks they take because they lack wisdom, I love that they still are dependent on us to love them and guide them and direct them. There is a freedom they possess that we, as a society, have lost. They are still at a place where they don’t have to conform, where they can do anything without the responsibilities of our society weighing down on them. They are a powerful bunch, these young people, who have in their hearts the desperate desire to make a difference in the world to be someone of value. Their hearts need only to be captivated by the love of Jesus; not the law of religion, not the condemnation of the followers of Christ, not the cheap knock offs of the gospel. Their minds need only to be challenged by the truth of the Bible; not the crumbs that are given, not the gimmicks that are preached, not the satellite message that lacks intimacy; Their wills need only to be trained by servants of the most high God; not leaders who are glorified, not manipulators who control, not religion that condemns.

Imagine the power this youth culture could obtain. Contemplate the reason the Lord made this age, this youthful mindset, where nothing is impossible and being invincible is the norm. It is not childish or foolish! It is planned by the Creator of our souls. He knew this age brought about destruction and foolishness and boldness and wildness. There is a purpose. Still these young adults, ages 13-25 are overlooked, forgotten in the church.

On the news the other day, there was a wanted headline for 4 young men, who had held a woman at gunpoint. They tried to kidnap her, but she resisted and the 4 young men high jacked her car. They are wanted for grand theft auto, attempted kidnapping and attempted murder. The ages of the young men… 13, 13, 14 & 17. When I read the ages and saw their pictures my heart broke! I was flabbergasted at the thought of a 13 year old boy holding a woman at gunpoint! 13 years old! It made me think about what these young people are capable of. Yes, destruction is what these boys brought, but let me change your perspective. Imagine if the truth and love of Jesus Christ drove theses young men… the destruction in their being would not go away, however, the focus of what was to be destroyed would. Instead of bringing destruction to other people, they would bring destruction to the kingdom of darkness…. Instead of holding a woman at gunpoint, they would hold the enemy with the weapons of God and bring freedom to a woman, through the power of Jesus’ love.

God created the wild and reckless behavior in the youth to benefit His kingdom! King David was one of those young men. His lack of restraint and wild faith turned a nation upside down. He killed a bear and a lion with his own hands, not very much wisdom, if you ask me. I would have flipped out on my teenage son, even if he did kill it! Yet, David trusted God with a reckless abandon that determined the rest of his life. He walked out to a battlefield and with nothing but a little faith and a lot of risk, killed a giant and started a fire that drove the Israelites to defeat the Philistines. Not even the king or his older brother, who were older and wiser dared to do such a feat. It was not until David became a man that he sinned against God.  There is also Daniel; taken into captivity by the Babylonians. He was a young man without blemish, good—looking, gifted in wisdom, possessing knowledge and quick in understanding. (Daniel 1:4) He, in his youth had wisdom, but still took a great risk by opposing the king’s provisions and requesting that they only eat vegetables and water, as to not defile himself or that of his friends with the king’s delicacies. In the end, his risk proved to be fruitful and he and his friends were more full and fit than the older men who were eating meat and drinking wine. As a result, the Lord blessed Daniel and his friends knowledge and skill in literature and wisdom and understanding in visions and dreams.

The Lord used their wild and reckless nature to glorify him!

So why then, can’t we do the same with our youth? Why then can’t we empower our young people in their culture to DO what they are already DOING, but changing the focus and the purpose of their lives?

There are many studies that show that the youth are leaving the church in a mass exodus. They are looking for purpose, they are looking for love, and they are looking for a cause. WE HAVE THE TRUE PURPOSE RIGHT HERE IN OUR HANDS, WE KNOW THE TRUE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST AND THERE IS NO GREATER CAUSE THAN SAVING LOST SOULS FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION.

The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few.

 Matthew 9:37

The churches in American have before them, fields and fields that go on for miles and miles of a ripe harvest of youth, who are starving for love and purpose. The churches have dozens of programs, lots of resources, congregations full of spiritual fat believers who either sit in a pew or seek after their own title or power of position. The churches cater to the saved but do not seek after the lost. The focus, the visions, the meetings, the money, the power is not toward the youth, EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN PROVEN AND TESTED THAT THAT AGE GROUP IS THE MOST UN-REACHED AND THE AGE GROUP THAT IS LEAVING BY THE DROVES. The “Youth Groups” are there, in most cases, as an obligatory place to appease the adults who attend the church. In most churches, the “Youth Ministry” is given one of the smallest budgets and is required to do much of their own fundraising. I have not met many people who are youth ministers who are called to be youth ministers, but rather a place that is a stepping stone to climb up the corporate church ladder to a higher position in the church. There has not been much adjustment in the church, since I was a youth. It pretty much looks the same, spiritually. Sure the postmodern/emerging church has changed the colors, turned the lights down, added some coffee and candles, but it is the same!

In most cases more focus, resources and money is given to the Children’s Church dept. then to the youth. When, in fact, elementary aged kids HAVE to come to church with their parents. Even the youth that HAVE to come to church have learned to easily disengage while sitting in a seat being sold the cheap knock off of the truth.

WAKE UP CHURCH!!! Where is the harvest? Do you know what happens to a harvest that is NOT reaped? Have you seen what happens to the crop? The fruit falls to the ground, rots and becomes part of this world. How many youth are longing to be harvested, but just falls to the ground, rots and becomes a part of this world?

WAKE UP CHURCH! Where is the harvest? Do you know what happens to a harvest that IS reaped? It gets put into a basket with other fruit, bright and full of life and become nourishment to the world.

What is your church doing to reap the harvest that is plentiful?

Don't want to waste my life...

Notebooks, pens, conversations and scribbles on paper is howwe dream. We call it our Dream Notebook. Every idea, dream, vision, hope orcreative inception is written down on one of many spiral notebooks that stackin my room. The reality of those dreams is an entirely different dimension ofthought and action, however. When I process the amount of time, effort, faithand resources it will take to accomplish a dream, the thought almostdebilitates me. Not because I have fear or don’t believe it can be done; on thecontrary, I know it can! It is the cost that keeps me from moving forward withanything that comes my way. The cost of time, the cost of friendships, the costof investment, the cost of loneliness, the cost of ridicule, the cost emotions,the cost of material things.

I know the cost. I know how much a person can lose forfollowing a dream, personally. I have seen a dream come to life and thenwatched in horror when that dream died. It cost my family everything. That iswhat keeps my husband and me from rushing. That is what keeps our feet firmlyplanted on the ground. So we question ourselves as a result. Do we have what ittakes? How will this affect our family? Will people come to Lord as a result ofthis vision? Where do we start? Will people support us? Will people believe inwhat we are doing? Will we be doing this alone? How will we get youth to come?

The chatter in the mind is loud and we are trying to keep itquiet. It is amazing how words of encouragement can sustain even the weariestsoul, the most doubtful mind and the loneliest souls. Feelings of inadequacies constantlyrise to the surface and I must tell them to be silent. All we can do is walk,one foot in front of the other, believing that we are doing what God has calledus to do. Believing that he will equip us, believing that he will show us theway. Trusting that He will pay the price when the cost is too great for us tocarry.

We take one step and then another and another. It lookslonely so far, it looks impossible. Yet I know my God can comfort, I know thewith God nothing is impossible! Those are the things I hold onto. Those are thereasons we take another step toward the dream, on this adventure.

“This is the promisethat empowers us to take risks for the sake of Christ. It is not the impulse ofheroism, or the lust for adventure, or the courage of self-reliance, or theneed to earn God’s favor. It is simple trust in Christ-that in Him, God will doeverything necessary so that we can enjoy making much of him forever. Everygood poised to bless us, and every evil arrayed against us, will I the end helpus boast only in the cross, magnify Christ and to  find in our own experience that it is betterto lose our life than to waste it.

Therefore, it is rightto risk for the cause of Christ. It is right to engage the enemy and say, ‘Maythe Lord do what seems good to him.’ It is right to serve the people of God,and say, ‘If I perish, I perish!’ It is right to stand before the fiery furnaceof affliction and refuse to bow down to the gods of the world. This is the roadthat leads to fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. At the end of everyother road--secure and risk-free—we will put our face in our hands and say, ‘I’vewasted it!’"

John Piper – Don’t Waste Your Life