I wonder...
What Joseph went through as he sat in a jail cell
completely forgotten. I wonder if he ever lost hope or suffered from depression
or felt completely and totally alone. I wonder if, even in his provision and
favor felt as if he was a crazy person. I wonder if he dreamt about the day
when he was released and what he would do or say. I wonder how many times he
questioned God. How many times had conversations with God about the unfair
predicament of his situation?
I wonder…
So many times when we think about people in the Bible we
picture super-human beings who were able to smile and wave through all their
struggles while singing praises and thanking God for all their circumstances.
They were human like us. They probably cussed a few times, doubted, worried,
feared, questioned and even sinned. The people we read about in the Bible
struggled with their callings, their families, and their flesh. Yet God still
used them.
I see that happen a lot in the Christian culture. This façade
of “perfect” that one thinks must be portrayed to be a true “Christian.” I
often think of how sad a life that must be; to pretend to be someone you’re not
to try to reflect Jesus, who died to purify us. There is no perfect on this
earth. There is only imperfect. That is why Jesus is coming back to get us,
that is why God is destroying this current earth and creating a new heaven and
a new earth.
I wonder…
Why this life I live is hard. Why, no matter how many jobs
we apply for, none come our way. I told my husband today, maybe you should
apply for jobs you are not qualified for, instead of the jobs you are qualified
for and see if you get a job that way. Cuz you are sure not getting a job
applying for jobs you are qualified for. Five years we have been doing this…
FIVE!!! My nerves are fraying. My hope is holding on. I am undone. I mean
completely unraveling. I have no control of my life and it is causing me to
break.
I wonder…
How much more of me can break? I am already broken, already
undone, already shaken. I have to keep reminding myself that a broken life with
Jesus is better than a whole life without Him. My body is revolting and I feel
out of alignment. I don’t know where to go, what to do, how to get there. Everywhere
we turn doors close. Even in areas where we hear the Lord say go, SLAM! The
door closes with a force that pushes me back.
I wonder…
Is it just me or are other people feeling agitated at the
current state of our church and state and country. I see an expression of Jesus
that I think is manufactured and it irritates me. I see people being turned
away from the truth because they are not holy enough or righteous enough or
clean enough. I see churches blame groups of people for the reason there is
violence or injustice. I want to change it, but feel paralyzed on how to.
I wonder…
If this weight will ever come off of my body. Will I really
be able to be successful if I got picked to go to Biggest Loser? What about my
kids? Could I really leave them for 6 months at the most important time of
their lives? Elijah’s last year in high school, Noah’s first year in high
school and Carah a Jr. Higher. Would I be able to withstand the loneliness of
not being around my most important support system? Would I break some more?
Would I be able to handle the fact that I am doing something for myself and not
for my family?
I wonder…
Why people feel threatened by our hearts desire to want to
help the youth. I wonder why people in the Christian community find it
necessary to invalidate who we are with rumors and lies and stir up trouble
amongst our Christian family. Do we really scare you? Are we really
intimidating? What is it about us that scare you from my raw authentic approach
to life? Or is it that you are scared someone will require you to be the same
and you don’t want to take the mask off. Is it really necessary to us abusive
tactics to get people in the church to follow you? How about just show the love
of Jesus? How about that!!! Maybe then the church would grow!! And youth would
be knocking down your door!!!
I wonder…
How much more of this the Lord will require of us to take. I
hope it is not too much longer. I hope!!! I have a lot of things I want to do
and see and experience with my kids… they are almost grown and gone... Please
Lord, hear our prayer; hear our cries; hear our thoughts. We need some
breakthrough. Will it come soon?
I wonder…
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