I am being deleted…
Yes. That is me… I see the bar in front of my face, you know
the one that slowly moves to show you that the computer is working. The one
that takes FOREVER because your internet sucks. Yes, that is me… I am slowly
being deleted.
I noticed it as my mom was dying. I was not valid, not
valued, not important. I was just the hard drive of the computer. The thing
that makes the machine work, but does not run any programs. I am the one that
keeps going and going, even when it seem the computer is off. Yes, that is me.
A hard drive that is no longer needed because a new hard drive had been
installed.
I am being deleted….
Yes. That is me… slowly disappearing from a family that
existed for 30 years. A family, broken, but filled with forgiveness and second
chances. Yet, the reality of my mom gone has changed the DNA of a man who was
my dad, so much that he does not even acknowledge my existence.
I am being deleted….
It’s about half way through. He met a woman who will become
his wife. I barely saw him the second year after my mom’s death. I met the
woman who would be his wife. She is kind and just. She is broken. Yet, she was
honest and open and I appreciated that. I thought, perhaps, she would make the
bar go backwards, but I was wrong.
Yes. That is me. The oldest daughter who has been forgotten.
The one who has kids that were his grandkids that have not seen their grandpa
for over a year. He did not go to a single football game to see his two
grandsons play together. Not one. Yet I had hope that his new wife would
encourage him to support his family. That did not happen.
I am being deleted….
It is three quarters of the way to the end. I am almost
gone. He called me to tell me I needed to get all my mom’s stuff or he would
give it away. I ran. I packed. I graciously walked around the half packed house
that had no remnants of my mother.
Yes. That is me. In the photo albums he is giving me. Yes
that is my wedding photo that he no longer wants. Yes, those are all the photos
I gave to him and mom, of my kids, from 0 to now. I took it all. Even the stuff
that was new. These things will be the items that will keep my mom alive. The
memory of a time gone by. There is nothing left in his possession that shows
there was ever a life of 30 years with my mother.
I am being deleted….
It’s almost at the end. The bar is slowly moving to the end
and I will be no more. His wedding to the new woman is tomorrow. I was not
invited. My sister was not invited. My brother was not invited. Only his
biological children were. There is no more room in his heart for us. I think he
may even be relieved.
Yes, that is me. The girl that is not allowed in his new
life. That is my sister, and brother. They are not allowed in. We are being
deleted. We are being forgotten. He is only looking forward, and we are not
included in the future with his new wife. We are almost gone. He has rid himself
of the evidence that we once existed in his life.
I am being deleted…
It will be complete when he says, “I do.” Everyone who
carries the same blood is there. We, my sister and brother and I, do not. Our blood
is from another man. Our father, who also deleted me and my sister. They are
celebrating and starting a new life and we are being left behind.
Yes, that is me. I am the girl who speaks of such matters
when others pretend all is well. I do not live that way. I cannot. My heart is
bleeding. I lost my mother, then my father. Now I am losing the man who raised
me. He was not perfect and hurt me more than he valued me, but he was my dad
for 30 years.
I am deleted.
Now, I have no parents. They are all gone. I hear the music
playing in the background. It is an orchestra of a slow and sorrowful nature. I
close my eyes. Tears well behind the lids.
Yes that is me.
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