Waiting.....

I sit at home, staring t the wall, wondering how I got here. Depression weighs heavy on my being and I fight it with everything in me. I am an overcomer! I can overcome, I will overcome… yet, the weight of circumstances makes it hard to fight.

This journey I have been on is long. I have yet to reach the destination. It seems to never end and I am growing weary. With all 3 of my children in public school, my purpose of home school mom has ceased. Without a job, finances make it hard to go anywhere, as gas prices soar; so I sit here, writing, wondering and waiting. Haven’t I been here long enough? In the waiting zone? Waiting for a miracle, waiting for an opportunity? Waiting for a change.

My physical body takes the hits of uncertainty, worry, pain. I am a woman of faith, yet I am uncertain. I am a woman of hope, yet I worry. I am a woman of joy, yet it alludes me. I am a woman of love, yet anger rises. Peace is what I long for right now, more than anything. The quiet assurance of hope that permeates my being is what I try to grasp for. I sit in desperate solitude, waiting. Waiting for the Lord, waiting for a sign, waiting for change.

I have to tell myself to breath in and out with precision, I have to pray myself to sleep, so that the weight of fear and sorrow do not torment me. Yet, sleep is far from me. My eyes droop with weariness, my body aches from restlessness.

Who am I? Surely a woman of faith can stay focused on all that is good, all that is holy, and all that is pure. Surely a woman, who loves Jesus, can overcome such small feats. Surely a woman, who is fighter, can knock out the tormentor, who pursues her every night. And then the heartbreak of failure falls around me. The chaos of intensity overwhelms me. And I am tired.

I sleep during the day to make up for the night, and guilt and shame knock on my door. They tell me that I am worthless, that I am failing my kids, that I am a horrible wife. They tell me that I am lazy and irresponsible and have no purpose.

My ears hear them and my heart fights to keep the words from planting in my soul. My chest aches with the constant tug of war of planting and digging up, uprooting and filling with good soil. I spend so much time keeping the weeds out of my heart that is not much time to nurture that which is already planted. The words of life in my heart have been neglected, as I have taken to keeping invasive weeds from taking over. A vicious circle, that makes me tired and frustrated.

I depend on words of life from worship music or the Bible or a friend to sustain me; the life support that keeps me from falling. And so I breathe, I wake up in the morning and thank the Lord that I am alive another day. I thank Him for the mercy He has on my broken being. I am thankful He knows my desire is to see my kids and grandkids and live a long healthy life. I am thankful He is holding me in this time, as I struggle to live day by day.

So I breathe, I wait, I hope for it all to cease. Though the sorrow may last for a night, the joy comes in the morning. And that is what I can believe is true, that the morning will come after so much darkness.